Time Travel and the Expanses of Collapse

So, I have to get this out while there is still some of it left in my mind.

The other day I was minding my own business, when I realized a couple things. I can't remember what the first one was, but the second thought was about the continuity of death. It made me think of black holes.

The universe is, well, eternal. ETERNAL. That's a very, very, VERY hard thing to comprehend...or, is it?

Not really. Eternal is not the beginning or the end. It encompasses both as one. Black holes have a similar lifespan. Collected from the absence of life, a star, a nebula, an explosion. From a chemical reaction, to a crushing nothing, there is no existence of death. Did you see what I just typed? "...an absence of life..., to absence of death. That makes a lot of sense if you can understand the right pitch.

I do believe death is eternal, but not meant as in permanent. I don't believe there is a conscious life after death. Your physical self gets stripped down to molecules, but your true essence is stripped down to something more significant. Think of it as if your soul was made of atoms and particles. Death is merely a redistribution of them. Some get cast into the reaches of the universe, some get cast into the mind and body of a garden slug, and some just go into things that we have not discovered. If enough of them stay together, you might call it reincarnation.
[edited]
I typed up this long comparison of black holes and death, but found it to be to nerdy and redundant. So please, feel free to entertain yourself as you ponder this post. You might not get it, but you might just realize something else and make a completely off-topic, incoherent post about golfcarts and cheez-whiz. It might be intellectual, it might be sensational, it just might be remedial!

Dressed in Green

Hail, all the love that is a growling whisper, captured not by the sea nor the wind nor the frozen river.
In the sky, we stand, watching upon horizons that dance with the sunlight,
let us not believe that there will ever be night.
Beyond the grave of the waking dead, there will be a valley in which the rain does not pass;
Keep to the sky, and and do not glance back at the grasping flame,
make not a word that would tell of your existence,
Go with the wind into heavens,
and know not a single groan will wither thy spirit.

Shining Shades of Ochre

Man, I just have to say, I love my job, I love my coworkers, and I love being around my friends and family. Seriously.
I was beginning to think that I disliked tattooing. Nope. I just disliked working around negative and manipulative people. I was beginning to think I was alone. Not at all. Karma visits all who risk indifference.
My family thought I was dying, and I almost did. I thought my life had been trapped by the fists of misfortune. No. It was to make sure I knew how to rise against all things that oppress me.
I am fortunate. I am fortunate for many things. I try to be grateful for all these things.

I am awake. I am right where I need to be. I do not doubt my conscious. I KNOW my intentions were right. My adversaries will whither in their own bitterness. I know I am better than that.

I haven't much time, but I'm glad I've made it this far. Good company can ward off the most vile of intent. That is my talisman for all things that oppress me. I am fortunate that it is a simple thing to come by in this world.

Well, that's all for now. It has been a long day, and the night will be short. Until next time....

And once there was a ...ummmm.... what?

Ahh, updates. Yes.

Everything has been going very well. Work is steady, the holidays are almost here, and things are a'happenin'.

"Come and see, come and see..."

Well, I had a lot to say before I started typing this, now it seems I haven't much but a bunch of buzzing in my head zzZZZzZzzZZzZzZZ

Tomorrow I plan on doing nothing. Nada, zip, zero, zilch. It's probably for the best. I feel as though Saturday's marathon took a little bit more energy out of me than I thought. Not to mention, I've been drinking a lot of water which can make me feel worse.
I need a hair cut, too. It's getting pretty shaggy on the ol' melon.

Alright, well that was pretty pointless. More to come, I hope. Adios!

Level Up!

I ate too many pretzels, tonite. Their effect is slowly wearing off now, and I can focus on writing this so that I may get to bed.

I stayed at class late tonight, and I talked to Gina for 2 hours after class. I don't know how it managed to be two hours, but it was a very intricate conversation. My level of respect has gone up a few notches because of it. It's not that I didn't respect Gina before, oh no. Gina is awesome! I have more respect because she thought nothing of it.
I don't feel like such a weirdo after talking to her. Well, maybe weirdo isn't the word. I don't feel like I am so alone in what I feel and believe. I always hoped there were others that see the same things, and feel the same things, but after discussing it tonight, I feel like I truly found another of my 'feather.'

So anyways, I am right here where I need to be, no if, ands, or buts about it. This is where I have been led. The Great Fate has guided me closer to balance, even though I am kicking myself for not listening sooner. I pray that I can become closer to the Great Force and make my way to the deeper channel of life, beyond any mental eddies. I want to keep my composure in the face of adversity, and have a greater faith in Karma. I don't ever want to be consumed by bitterness.
I don't think I'm doing bad for myself in the least bit. I'm definitely not fighting to stay positive in a negative environment. I'm grateful I don't have that to worry about.

So down the line, I am confident of all that has happened, and all that may still happen. I just have to meditate a little harder, and try to do it as much as I can, when I can. I want to be at that level that I saw in another human being tonight. I don't want to surpass it right now, I just want to be there.

That's it, that's all I have for my littler blurb right now. Stay tuned for more to come!

'Centered, Grounded, Guided.'

Well, I'm starting to write this at 3:39 AM. I am wide awake because, well, I am. Part of the norm and all. I just finished writing an email to a guy I have never met. I wrote to him because I want him to know his story is the same story a few of us have learned.
It goes back to my saying that history repeats itself, and unless you figure out what you are doing wrong, you are going to live it and relive it all over again. Once the situation becomes new, then you know you have successfully learned and moved on to the next level.

Not for some, though. I think that it is funny that there are completely irrational people that blame others for problems that are a chain of events initiated by their own egotistical reactions. We all have blamed someone for doing something 'on purpose (regardless of that person's true intentions), but once the situation is analyzed, one would usually realize that the initial effect is typically beyond all control. It's things like road rage, where not being aware of your blindspot might cause you to cut someone off. In retaliation, that person follows you, clinging to your bumper, swearing, making obscene gestures, and eventually driving you off the road. Your demise has barely satisfied their need to retaliate. That's irrational.

It's also a parallel to Psychological Projection, but that's a whole other rant.

In any case, the point that I'm trying to illustrate is that the deeply afflicted irrational do not move on. They brood themselves into nothing. Their hatred and malice eventually consume them. Those that do not express spite resolve themselves with apathy.

I don't know what's worse, to be consumed by your own bitterness, or wither away because you feel nothing at all.


So for all those who have recently (or ultimately) been wronged by an irrational monster, I wish you peace. It is the only way to conquer that which has no soul.

It is 4:51 now. I think I have attempted to write a relevant rant. If I have not succeeded, please send all comments to the complaint department. The will be promptly evaluated and responded to.

This is Happening.

It seems so long ago, it seems so far away ago;
Where the arrows of Jupiter cannot break the woven shackles of the hopeless,
I'm there and gone.
and the days flood all over again.


I have reached the full circle, and I am back where I had left off. It's not a bad thing by any means. I only wish I was able to do it sooner. I am reminded, though, that such expedited fortunes are reserved for the apathetic.

I don't feel the cold as much. The phantom scents are the only persistent reminder of that empty blue room. Well, that and a few notes of familiar songs.
I still miss him. At least that lonely graveyard returned one person back into my life. I cannot even reverse the memories and expel them into a visual construction. They are simply too destructive to release there. Even thinking about it for longer than a minute could be enough to let them inhabit my dreams. I want it gone for good.

It's getting there.

I was walking one day, and I felt like I never left. I found some old oil paintings, and they smelled like warmth and comfort.
I realized there is a gap in my sketchbook that no matter how hard I'd like to fill it with those missing memories, there will simply be no way to do it, or do it without shredding this puzzle piece heart.

I'll always remember rain, I'll always remember how gray the mountains made everything seem. I'll always remember cutting the puddles at night, the mist in the endless fields, the marsh and the shade. I'll always remember the signs that told me to leave before I even arrived.
The Black Dog omen still haunts me. When I awoke, I quickly rendered the beast. It's buried in my box somewhere. I think that's the best place for it.

I hope Winter will return this year to assure that things have been made right. I haven't much time left, and I don't want to be a ghost.

I apologize that this entry didn't make much sense from the outside. Insomnia tends to awaken more then just my physical being. That being the case, my fingers just follow step. I'll attempt to make a more coherent post at a later time.

It's terrifying, it's nauseating, it's...the CEDAR POINT POST!

Alright, so I said I'd make a (long overdue) post about Cedar Point. So here it is:

I had a great time!

The highlights of the park were the Top Thrill Dragster, and the Millenium Force. I'd said the Power Tower and the Skyhawk were the third and fourth place contenders, althought they weren't true roller coasters.

The Top Thrill Dragster was just that. A launch at 120mph STRAIGHT up 420-something feet, and then straight back down with a little corkscrew action thrown in there. Pure terror before the launch, absolute euphoria upon reaching the top. Not to mention, being able to see miles into the lake and the horizon at the top of it all made me want to 'PRAISE JESUS!' LOL!
The Millenium Force is number one for true roller coaster style. It is a mass of hard twists of metal, taking you down a 320 ft hill at 94 mph. Not to mention, the trolley up the hill was quick and smoooth. It was a great ride that did not snap you around too much, was smooth, quick, and quiet. Top Notch.
The Power Tower....Truly one of the scariest rides of the park. You sit in a seat (with a harness) that is attatched to a trolly on the side of this huge tower. You face outward from the tower, and this thing takes you slowly up the side of the tower. When will it drop you? Nobody knows! It is enough to make your hands start to sweat about 1/3 of the way up. Once you drop, it is the best sensation! It kept its 'Holy Shit' factor at a solid 11 on a 1-10 scale without losing that rank upon riding it over and over again.
The Skyhawk was similar to the old pirate ship, except if you fed it steroids. The shear noise this ride generated was enough to make you pee yourself a little. It had the breath of a chained monster waiting for its chance to break out. Like the pirate ship, it is a swing type, except is went higher, and expanded on more of a circular plane. typical pirate ships took you a little less than 90 degrees from the resting position. The Skyhawk took you about 110 degrees from resting position. Doesn't sound like much, but just imagine if the pirate ship went out of control and just kept getting higher and higher, until the point where you are sitting up, but your stomach is facing the ground. That's a good time.
Last but not least, the scariest ride of the park crept along at a nauseating 5 mph, and just barely scraped past the tree tops. That's right, I'm talking about the terrifying thriller that are the sky trollies, as seen at Hershey Park. You know them, the little 4 person cars that creep along on a suspended cable, intending to give its riders an unobstructed view of theme park awe. But these jankey, ill-kept cars jostle and clank as they move their way in a straight line to point B. You dangle helplessly, bracing yourself for the fall to your death 50 feet below when the cable decides to give, or when the car decides to unhook itself from its line of death. A solid 20 on the 1-10 scale of Horror.

Prior to the trip, James and I stopped off at a Rite Aid and picked up some generic Drememine (sp). I was afraid the side effects would leave me fogged, but they didn't too bad. At one point I did become soo drowsy, I thought I was going to collapse. That could have been from the lack of sleep the night before, and the fact that we did more walking than riding on the first day. I'm just glad that James took over as the coaster nazi. He was definitely the driving force that kept us going! Thanks, James!
The ride back was long. We stopped off somewhere in western PA and had ourselves a picnic lunch. Nat and I slept most of the way (which was good for James and Kurt who were the drivers)! Inside joke, lol!!

That was about it. I loved it! I can't wait to do it again! James gets major props for hooking us up with the ride and the hotel! Thanks, Coaster Nazi!!

Thanks for reading this post about Cedar Point, have a Great Day!!

Ummm, what just happened?

Today I woke up and now I feel like I forgot a lot of things. I couldn't get to sleep last night, and once I did, I woke up at 8am this morning.
I *think* I am suppose to head to class tonite, even though I am not officially signed up yet. I'm looking forward to that, and I hope I have enough energy for it tonite.

Today I went through a few old letters, and became distraught and justified at the same time. My memory is terrible these days, and throwing letters out would erase the fragments associated with that time. It's like a piece of the puzzle that I should keep in order to remind myself that I was even working on a puzzle.
I can't remember more than two days without the assistance of other minds. Oddly enough, my long term memory is in better shape, and extends well into times before I knew how to speak. I am grateful for that.

I meditate a lot these days. Well, for the past couple years. I also like doing rain chants. For whatever reason, they seem to work.

Thor and I decided the other day that we need to go camping...this weekend. I haven't gone camping yet this year, and that makes me sad. I love camping. I love fires. I love being outside in the woods. It's been a while since I have gone camping in the fall, too, which makes it more interesting.

I want to go up to Hburg and visit everyone up there. I haven't really hung out with R and M recently, with the exception of a few hours once we got back from Cedar Point (which was awesome; I will have to do a post about it later 'cuz I forgot to do one at all). I like hanging out and talking with 'doze guys.

So yea, his is a blah post. It's a blah day. And I am feeling blah right now. I think I have something big and fun to work on today, too. If anything, I got a couple of sleeves to tweak before we go to ink. That should keep my mind moving. Yeh, man.
until later......>.>>>>>..>...Boink.

timeTimEtImeTImETiMeblah.

Well now, it might be time for an update!

First, I'd like to say how beautiful the nights have been recently. I came home from, well, wherever it was that I was, and watched a clear, moon-lit sky be consumed by a dark nothing which was a thunderstorm. One side of the sky was dark and lightning, the other side was completely clear. I sat on the grass and watched the moon turn from orange to black. Very awesome, creepy, etc.

On to the meat...My language class was cancelled, and I was kind of bummed. I went over to Joppa hall to say Hey to an old instructor, and somehow managed perfect timing to catch her right before her class. She invited me to stay for a bit since I had left HCC with a higher level of art instruction and the class she was teaching was only level 2. I chilled, watched them do their homework critiques, and Gina (instructor) invited me to stay and draw from the model. I hadn't expected all this. I stayed, and drew from the model, and it was awesome. I hadn't done it in so long, I was actually kind of nervous that I had lost my touch.
Gina kept asking me if I was coming back to the studio, and I told her about my other class cancelling. We basically agreed that it was a sign.

Hmm, vat else? Mmmmm, Ben is more addicted to mopeds than I had ever thought I was, which is awesome. The RR has proven itself roadworthy, and has been the daily rider for those who have participated on HC rides.

I had a dream last night that was beautiful...well, the sequence of events lead me to feel something beautiful. I woke up believing my dream for a split second, then about cried when I realized I had woke up. That dream was a tease. I can usually tell when my dreams are foreshadowing a possible event, and when they are just there because my mind likes to pretend stuff so that my heart feels better. This one was a 'it will be alright just as long as you stay asleep.' I would give anything to make it last.

On the flip side, I am glad at least one person was able to change themselves for better, even if it took a disaster to change their opinion. They were able to show a great sincerity, and a humble heart and honest words were enough to change a disappointed heart. You know who you are, way to go! I am proud...just don't let it happen again. BTW, Y.M.A.B. ;oP

So, Fall is good. I hope I do not stray far from this path, as it seems this is where I am supposed to be. I am glad I made it, and I am glad I have the best people with me to share it.

Horizons

The sea at rest, like placid glass of sparkling sapphire against a curtain of brilliant gold. It surely is a wandering mind's paradise.
Wandering minds, though, have to be careful of falling into deceptive waters.

What do you make of all you see around you?
Truth, or fiction?
Beyond what you see, what do you make of all you feel?
Again, truth...or fiction?

I have learned that there is no hope for a few out there. Even for those few that deep waters has failed to stop my heart from caring.

I wish you could understand. I wish you would take that back. I really do.
What advantage would it have for you?
...None.
You are what you hate. You are what your big words mask in the face of the world. You have no soul, no essence to bring you light. You live off crooked smiles, co-dependence, and manipulation between your hallow self. How I wish you wouldn't.
I'd give my life to make you see. Is it worth it?

Today, I live well, but you have no concern. Have you ever wondered why they betray you? Do you ever wonder why they go crazy? Do you ever wonder why they leave you?

Maybe they see right through you. Maybe they try to help you see, but you have no sight. Maybe they try to help you feel, but you have no touch. You feed off the senses of others. When all the chances are gone, they are wrought with despair, and your greedy hunger swallows them whole.
They never left you. You left them.
Stop blaming others. Stop branding them with words that are void of context. Defeat your ignorance, open the gates, and let the beams consume you.


No, what am I saying. Nothing, nothing. You are truly lost, and sometimes I wish my heart could give up on you once and for all.
Then I could be as you are...

The Crying Harp

You know, I felt the need to type another post because the other one is so beautifully incoherent. So here is another wonderfully incoherent post.

I am back in the gray valley, floating in the mist of a cold rain. I am so many places at once. I feel the heartache of Autumn, the desolation of Winter, the apprehension of Spring, the failure of Summer; Back into Autumn. I ask the forgiveness of Time, afraid to be condemned, assured that I will carry that hopelessness for a long time. I am currently reminded of a beautiful sorrow which cannot be relieved, which cannot be denied.

Ahh, how passionate those moments of complete and utter isolation were. I thought a mountain top would be the perfect place to speak to the Heavens, who knew a bottomless ocean was more fitting.
Cold and alone, desperate, tragic, and solemn; Yet, the innocence still remained preserved.

There is nothing I can do now. It is nothing but a dream. Dare I be tempted by the illusion, into the well I will fall.

I'll always miss that place, until I am unable to forget its despair. Good riddance, my beautiful ruiner.

Effect of the Cause.

And where was I, this day, what is not so long ago?
Frail, skinny;
Invisible.

It's funny what they say about all things happening for a reason. I feel it is a good reason, but I haven't quite reached that understanding. Maybe I won't. Not in this lifetime.
and I don't have much time.

There is an answer that looms in the untouchable realm. Unto which is sought, there, it will not be found. The simplest rule, and always the first rule.

Happiness though, mistaken for elevation in joyful emotion, is nothing more than an accepted neutrality in the Great Balance. Much like the Yin and Yang. A darkness is a precursor to morning, and morning a precursor to darkness. Once you go beyond the obvious acceptance of that cycle, you reach a level where they mean nothing. Morning is neither celebrated nor despised. Darkness is neither happiness nor sadness. They are what they are. Once that is contemplated to the point where it becomes a feeling rather than thought, it is truly happiness...it's an amazing transformation of...something. It's the unknown energy. The greatest of all the intangibles.

My grip is weak, at best, and I find myself developing an internal arrhythmia to the essential being. I know there is a place where these thoughts become complacent. I experience it often, yet like a daily pilgrimage, I travel the same miles to feel it. It's all there so that I will not become a captive to idle days.

I know I am well...at least in comparison to all I was. I find it hard to believe there are such things as malicious, resentful people. I could easily ruin myself contemplating that idea for too long. I don't carry those seeds. Somehow, I do without.
Still, there is that question. If only they realized that my eyes are mirrors to their own, maybe the answer would be a little clearer. The concept of misunderstanding still remains, and I question its role in that which has challenged me.

This means nothing to you, those who read this. It is merely a memoir from the mass eating the back of my head. Goodnight.

Barely a Ripple

I woke up one day and the world began to spin and sing with so many colours. There were stripes and dots and pastels, streamers and noises and sights. There was energy and whirlwinds that were so uplifting. There were familiar songs, and familiar smells. There was joy and comfort and all things unseen.

And they thought I was crazy. They thought I was making it up.

Anyways, it's funny how history repeats itself. At least I can sit back and watch it in this round. I feel relieved to know that I was right. And now Ryan knows.

On a completely unrelated note, I had a dream about Becki a few weeks ago. What a bizarre dream. We were in a room, much like an attic, except finished off with hardwood floors, a big window, and a bunch of old beds. It kinda reminded me of an old orphanage or finishing school, even if I have never seen one.
Well, I looked over my shoulder and saw her standing there. In absolute awe, I asked Becki if she was really dead. She replied with, "Yes, and so are you..." I became afraid once I heard her say that. Immediately, she finished off with, "Well, technically, you're half dead [or halfway dead]," in a matter-of-fact sort of tone, then made a gesture like she used to do when explaining something to me.
She seemed somewhat jolly, even though it felt like I disturbed her in a way.
She walked off into another room, and I walked out of the room we were in, and found myself in a dimly lit hallway. I was still in shock at seeing her and at what she said, so I forced myself to wake up (in a panic).

I don't know what to make of that dream, or if I should even think about it.

On another unrelated topic...get ready for it, it's a moped update...The Red Rocket has finally come back to life. All I have to do is get the damn wiring straightened out, and I'll be ready to take 'er on its maiden voyage.
Officially, I have 3 running mopeds. The Snark has finally shown its displeasure with me but giving me hard starts. I think I have an idea as to what is going on, so that should be cake. Number 2 is still rawking and rolling, although I would like to do a complete engine tear down and give it a good cleaning. I have finally mastered the gearbox, now all I have to do is tackle the crankcase. That should be easy, but I was warned about the random shims that might come flying out to eat my face. Hopefully, it won't be bad...*crosses fingers*

That's it, that's all I got for tonite. Go away, stop reading this, you are only wasting your time.

The world stops buzzing for just a split second...

Today is the day, and I am complacent.

I spent most of my day in bed yesterday. I could not move, I felt like death. I tried to get out of bed and sat outside for all of 30 minutes, and I thought I was going to die...or go lose my mind, or something. I finally got out of bed at 6 or 6:30, I can't remember. Yes, that's PM. No, I wasn't asleep the entire time.

No one would ever know that I work 2 jobs when I tell them about that.

Today was pretty quiet. I started a snake sleeve thing. I can't wait to get to the meat of it. The Samurai sleeve is whipping along, I look forward to having healed pics of last week's sitting. I did a drawing tonight for some koi sonnovajawns, I can't wait to start that, even if the dude has some crap on his arm already.
I really have no plans for tomorrow. The Snark needs some lovin's, I'm waiting for Sebring parts, and there's a pile of wood outside that needs to be attatched in a cube format.

I should call TI and Visions tomorrow. I haven't talked to those guys in forever. Mojo did call me tonite, which was way cool. It was good hearing from him, but at the same time, makes me reconsider what I'm doing.

I like being in a studio that doesn't treat me like a one trick pony. I like not being yelled at for using 'too many supplies.' I like being in a place where I'm two minutes from most of my friends.

I don't like that my bad experiences have some how left me feeling out of tune with my inner being. I was a better artist when I couldn't tattoo, and for some reason, I feel less of an artist knowing how to tattoo.

I'm not miserable doing what I do, I just aspire to do many other things, regardless of their worth. Talking to Mojo didn't help much, and knowing the guys at BTM have felt the same way at some point doesn't make feel any different.

I took time off because I was really pissed off at being so blind. I silenced my sixth sense thinking that was how one is able to trust. Heh. Boy was I wrong...twice.

Well, three times, but the third had nothing to do with the tattooing thing.

I'm making a lot of paragraphs.
I like paragraphs.

Anyways. I do think that Larry and Kim are right. I've even thought about going back to school for, whatever. Ryan seems to be happy doing it. The most artistically intense I've felt was when I was in school, be it HCC and MICA. I'd like to go back, maybe. It's a thought I haven't really thought about.

This was kind of a downer post, even though I don't feel down. I feel pretty good, actually. A little tired, but you know. We insomniacs are always tired.
Well, goodnight, world, and all those beyond it!

With every Intention...

You've willingly done what cannot be undone, what cannot be changed.
You'll curse the world for whom the world has cursed,
not knowing what matters when the matters are in the knowing.

I can't stop that.

I've tried before. I've tried now. I've been the hurt and I've felt the hurt. I've been the peace and I've felt the peace. That which shadows cannot conceal, the light will make blind.

I can't fix that.

Exclusion will only delay the effect. A river stands between you and the gate. Forgiveness is action, only with Time.

Dangerous in Eyes

Where has the time gone?

So it's been a little while since updated-age-ness-sim-ed-ly-er-ing-tion-ability-ous.

I wonder if anyone else catches/remembers/appreciates that.

Let's see now, where, how do I begin. Last month was rough. We lost a friend and her unborn daughter in a car accident. I've had friends killed in car accidents before, but it seems this one hits a little closer to home, especially since it encompasses a deep, extended network of friends and family.
I have been unable to visit Nikki due to wierd freak situations (and we concluded there might be a reason I am not allowed to visit her, so we won't push it.) She and Ben left to go across country for the next two weeks. Thorsett will also be leaving to go across country within the next few weeks.
Emily left work to go on maternity leave. The studio will be quieter without her.
The website thing hit a snag, and I'm a little frustrated with it. I'll have to seek out some help to get it going again.
There, the bad is done.

Work at FTC has been great. I've been busy picking up new clients as well as old. The name is getting out there, and work is steady through the door. BTM was retardedly busy this week. I don't really plan on picking clients up there, but I have a few who seem interested now that I am there. It's nice, but I'm finding the less I think about it, the crazier it gets. I guess it's good and bad.

On a rambling note, I am told by many that I am not a selfish or emotionally ignorant person. I wish I had the super powers to make others that way. I use the handle 'angryclothespin' because it's part of an old poem, not because it describes how I feel. Looking back on old journal posts, there is nothing angry about them.
Just a desire to share what I see to those who are aware.
I did not succeed.

A friend has told me I have a way of seeing on such a more intricate level, that it surpasses the understanding of my audience. In other words, I see more in a simple situation (which makes it more comlex or intricate), and because of that, my audience is incapable of understanding what I'm talking about. I think I'm just too damn redundant. (Insert HAR here).
It just makes me frustrated/disappointed when the people I care about can't see the obvious, or worse, are too lame to accept 'possibilities.' Then, in misunderstanding, become disassociated with my presence.

Sometimes I wish I could be more 'normal,' and just be able to explain complex things in such a way that a retarded monkey would understand. It would make things a lot easier. I ask myself whether it is my fault I couldn't find the right words, or if it is the fault that my audience lacks the ability to relate. A combination of both, I'm sure, but occurance is much too often and with too much negative repercussion.

I still believe that this is how things need to correspond...and hope there is an apparent reasoning behind all that 'goes wrong'. One day I'll be able to step away from the echoes of misunderstanding, be it with the living peace or with imminent death. I still consider my opponents, but I tend to forget the chivalrous are a dying breed.

BOWK?

YEEHAW!

I don't know what that was for, I guess I just felt like typing YEEHAW! as my header.

I just finished some very delicious sushshishsiisiisihi and fried green tea ice cleam (yes, ice cleam). Today was very very busy, and I have a dollar. I have a few dollars. Tomorrow I will buy more green tea with my few dollars, and I will drink them. They will be delicious, as well.

So CT. I love the ride up. I love the endless horizon that is New York City. My train seems to leave the same time every time I travel, so that allows me to catch New York City with a backdrop of golds and crimsons behind its looming structures. Beyond the city is a less intense, but equally impressive sense of unfamiliarity. The tracks are laced with garbage, litter, and the impoverished wanderers living amongst them.


Josh decided to get a parrot, a blue and gold macaw to be exact. Although he is not 'mean' in the sense of ripping your face off, he has a delicate preference of who he (or she) wishes to have in its presence. Most of the time he/she just croaks at any fingers that come close to its body, although he/she will gently, but sternly
'bite' fingers that venture too close to its massive beak. I did not know this, but apparently parrots have a bone in their tongues. Their tongues are similiar to the toe of a gecko than that of any other animal body part (tongue [or TOUNGE, giggle giggle] or toe) in the kingdom. Soo wierd.

Umm. Yea. I got an email the other day from a production director of Miami Ink. They are on the search for a "talented, charismatic young female tattoo artist" to take the spot of Kat Von D. Funny. I'm velllllly curious to see who it will be.

Cheesespread. Lots of it. Cheesespread Crust, I just forgot what I was thinking about typing.

I am going to visit and most undoubtedly socially vocalize with the Nikkith next week. I am looking forward to that. I have promised her that I will visit, and I will fulfill that "DESSST-TIN-EEE (said in big, manly announcer voice)!" next week. WEEEEEE!!!

So that's the end. Nothing more to talk about right now. G'Nite!

Vegetable

"What will grow crooked you can't make straight,
it's the price that you've gotta pay.
Do yourself a favor and pack your bags, buy a ticket and get on the train;
Buy a ticket and get on the train.

"Cuz this is fucked up, fucked up.
You are fucked up, fucked up..."










You cannot smudge me,
It won't let you.
[and I laugh]
We are the same, but you won't admit regret.
Such a little twisted vine,
Oh, how it suffers with you.
For once, I hope it haunts you.

I hope it fucking rots you.

Snargelly

Well, let's see...it has been a while, ja.

Went to Richmond for Hell's Satans FFYS rally, it was intense. There were mopeds all over. The best was walking around at night, and hearing a moped start, or hearing a 'swarm' of them on the opposite side of town. That made me all warm and fuzzy inside. The first day was a countryside ride, and the second day was 'All Hell Breaking Loose day.' I think someone counted anywhere from 104-130 mopeds. We had traffic at a standstill, and the look on innocent onlookers was priceless. We even had a guy who was riding a scooter jump a concrete median to join the pack. That was pretty gnarly as well. Pictures and videos can be found here:

http://angryclothespin.myphotoalbum.com/albums.php

I had only a day to rest right before the rally after spending a little over a week out in Pittsburgh. I learned a lot out in Pittsburgh, even if the people (excluding the shop) out there grow even more retarded each year. Kevin was very accomodating and full of useful information. We destroyed each other in a game of paintball, too.

So up and coming...Connecticut, Virginia, Baltimore (yea not a state), Canada, and a small possibility of New Mexico. Eventually, I'd like to get back up to Mass. I love having a life. I owe Chuck some manual labor and it's nice to have the time to do it. I love being able to ride on warm days and nights. I love being addicted to sushi again and having an appetite for such foods. I love seeing/being around true friends.

That's all I have time for now. Be back in another few months.

'Unseen beauty, Joyless sight.'

Goodness, goodness, where has the future gone?

I have such anticipation for Spring. The trees will talk, and I am a little bit nervous about what [they] will say.

The moped has been giving me some issues. I was hoping to have RR done for Richmond, but I suppose the forces are telling me that it's not a good idea. Who knew crankseals could go bad on a barely-run engine less than a year after they were installed. Sonnofah...

I keep having these quick visions of rainy mountain tops. It's more of a feeling than an actual image. It makes me sentimental, but yet so miserable in the moment. I wish I could say I don't ever want to see/feel that again, but that's not true. It haunts me just the same way as mud puddles do. Beautful, and overpowering. A song that plays the harp of emotion.

I'm beginning to float again, which makes me hopeful of what may come. My center still feels a great weight, but I feel at ease. I had a 'vision', if you will, last week that ruined a great moment. Well, I guess it didn't ruin it completely, it was just more of a realization of the undefeatable greater powers. In terms of acceptance, there was little I could do to oppose.

Laying low has been hands down one of the best things I've done for myself in a while. I could care less about money, and I seem to be doing well for myself. I have become content in being a bit of a hermit. Maybe being forgotten isn't such a bad thing afterall. I can understand why people would retreat to a cave and lock themselves inside for years on end. I can understand why people would want to change their names or fake their own death to avoid being remembered. Not that I would, but having the desire to camouflage oneself from society and walk away from the undoings of the things around them, well, I'd like to think how wonderful it would be.


I should call Ryan tomorrow...um, today. I owe him a lot, and I think by next year he will need all the 'payback' he can get.
Speaking of payback, I guess I'll never see the rest of it. Once again, I am like a source that has run dry for others. Too bad I let myself believe that I could stand faithfully next to those who have fucked me over. I guess my heart will never learn, and I don't have enough brains to prevent it.

There are those mountains again. Maybe I'll be able to follow a river that carves it's course among them. I'm not sure what it means, and I really don't know if I want to pursue its cause. Maybe it is nothing, and I'll wake up one day...
"...Puzzled by the Mountain, tricked by the sea..."
Perfect timing.

WWBD?

Nothing, nothing.

So let's see...this weekend was fun, didn't do much, but it was nice. I hung out with my brother and sister-in-law yesterday. I helped them with Gabe, and we sat and talked for a good bit. They are good people, and I'm not saying that because they are my family. They really ARE the best kind of people. The will make terrific parents.

I hung out with Jim and Ben briefly. I also hung out with my friend, Erica, and her friend, Marc. I'm not really a bar-jammer, so I snuck (or sneaked if you'd like) out early on both occasions. It felt great to be able to see/hang with my familiars again.

I've had a bunch of offers from different studios, but I'm trying to resist as much as I can. It felt great to have the desire to draw for myself again. I filled about 5 pages in my sketchbook in one night. It just feels...tremendous! I've been itching to paint, but my supplies are at my other 'home.'
I was hoping to see some better weather this weekend, but alas, Winter strikes again. I'm not complaining, Winter is one of my favorite seasons. I have March/April to look forward to, and hopefully, some amazing riding weather.

Hmmm, what else?? There's really not much going on at the moment. I had a dream about dying the other night, which was a surprise. I hadn't had a 'death dream' in quite some time. It was kind of scary since I dreamt of being in my car, in a snow storm, then sliding off the road and hitting an embankment, then hitting a tree. I felt like I woke up screaming, but I'm not sure. This was before there was any word of wintery weather, too, so it was kind of wierd to think about that as I drove home last night. I used to have death dreams all the time, and they were actually pretty cool. A lot of the time it wasn't the act of dying, but what followed in my dream. Things like looking into a mirror and seeing my face decay in time-lapse fashion were pretty freaky. Some of them were so intense, I felt like I was dreaming even when I was awake throughout the day. Those kind were utterly terrifying, but amazing at the same time.

Ed called me the other night. It was good to hear from him, and to hear that he is still hopeful, despite things getting a little rough on his side of the island. He has a theory about top feeders and bottom feeders. I really don't think he knows just how true his theory is. I hope that he remains the good person he is, despite the trash that surrounds him.

That's all I have to say for this day. It's not like any of this really matters. In fact, I'm not even sure why I have a public journal. I'm going to go play some Tetris now. So looooooooooooooong!

Jonx, Jinx, Janx

"Waddup," from Jinx.

That's right, I'm hanging with Jinx, Cali, and Edgar. Cali has been super affectionate since I brought her here, Edgar is still Edgar, and Jinx, well...Jinx could care less. Jinx' behavior has definetly changed since Saige died. He has become more restless and active, and I know that sounds absurd since he is a snake. I have thought about getting him a girl, but I don't know. I've had both of them since they were hatchlings, and I wouldn't want to bear the chance of getting an ill-tempered adult or a weak, anorexic hatchling. Time will tell, I suppose.

I'm getting anxious about this weekend. I hear the weather is supposed to be splendid, which is a welcome treat for moped ridin'. I've begun the search to replace tattooing in my life. I'm not sure what's out there and what I am even qualified to do, but I'll find something. I'm not really worried about it. It will be a fun journey, just like tattooing was in the beginning. I still have to go out to Pittsburgh, though, since I did promise them months ago I'd fill in for Fuz. Josh has offered me a chair for a couple weeks, but I might resist the temptation just so I don't get too sentimental about getting back into the swing of things. Everyone wants to see me open up my own studio, except for, well...me. I like travelling so that's the first thing that deters me. The second would be my disillusionment of the industry and the people within the industry. I'm tired of kissing other people's asses only to have my heart raveged by disappointment. I'm tired of people telling me that if I have a problem, they'll sit down and help 'resolve' it (and by that, they mean tell me it's their way or the highway), and then they flip out or get super bitchy because I'm T R Y I N G to have a discussion with them. Then I get pinned with being disrespectful, like I'm trying to tell them how to do their jobs. I don't want their fucking job. I just want them to consider what I have to say and not shut me down when I have a major concern. I've tried to keep my mouth shut and remain quiet, then it's perceived as me plotting against everyone. Fuck that. I don't have the energy to plot. Besides, Fate throw a wrench in my plans almost everytime.
So maybe I'd make a good boss one day, or maybe I won't. With my luck, it will be something stupid that keeps me from being successful in that department. The thought of owning my own does not make me happy at all at this point. The numbers, the worry, the stress...Yea right. My heart would just explode on the spot. That's why I like being behind the scenes, until I get taken advantage of and/or excluded, ignored, and abandoned by my 'team.' That's what has disillusioned me the most. The rest is just greedy, money-driven power-trippers who have no appreciation for the art aspect of tattooing.
Everyone keeps telling me people like that are everywhere, and I really wish I could prove them otherwise. I enjoy helping people, interacting with them, and I love being a part of things. When people forget to appreciate and seek expectation in it's wake, it really makes me unhappy to be doing what I do. I'd love to avoid the general involvement of society altogether, but yea, that's not happening anytime soon.

So yea. A reprieve is just what I need. If I get back into tattooing, swell, because I really do enjoy it, but if there is something else that takes my fancy, then so be it.

A good number 34

HA. Ha. and HA.

'Hey Mister, don't forget your coat!'

So yes, I'm done with a lot of things. I have an extra pair of shoes, a flare, and a sharp knife (you know, to keep the hungry wolves away). I'll go back to living a silent life, away from the constant bustle of the grabbing hands of strangers. I'll go back to being a flighty, nervous chicken, weary of everything, trying to avoid being coaxed out of the shadow. I'll keep my gifts locked away from all those who wish to exploit them. I've ridden that wave long enough, and it's heading in the direction of a rocky outcrop. I still find it amazing, and I do not regret any of it.

What would you have me say?

Go ahead, by all means...

We all have raised tempers, we have acted in an untimely fashion, we all have hidden behind some mask at some points in our lives. It seems though, there are those unwilling to remember, unwilling to forget, unwilling to be ashamed. Where's the fun of that? I'm not/was ever void of emotion, I suffer too much of it at a time. Don't expect me to be human so you can take advantage of me. No one is ever willing to remeber the positives. Instead, they write people off because of the negatives. If I would have written off those I met, there would not be any good memories that still make me smile from time to time. Be angry, be resentful, but if that wears away and you still cannot smile, you have burned yourself, not me.

I'm not out seeking battle. I'm not out trying to suck off what other people have. I'm not out to swing fists without negotiation first. That implies that you can't know anything about yourself if you don't fight, even if that means getting the crap kicked out of you for defending what you feel.

Progression, progression, progression. It is for everyone.

Amazing, I say!

I'd like to declare that wisdom is a funny, funny thing. It appears from experience, just when you least expect it. At least, I think...

You know what else is funny? Irony. and fuzzy socks. Both make me laugh, but one cuts like hot glass, and the other just makes me ponder the very definition. HAR.


2007 is the year of the boar. I can't tell if it's going to be a good thing or bad. Perhaps it will be mixed with a generous chunk of that tharr irony. Maybe a hopeless and challenging situation will be the be the most undemanding and optimistic promotion of transformation. It is childish to rely on wishes, but prayers aren't suited for the foolish. And remember, desperation can be a sign of foolishness.

Epitome is a funny word, too. "For spiritual splendor is the epitome of all that is great within." Eh-'Pit-oh-mee. Wait, did I just end a sentence with a preposition? Dear god, there is no hope.

Friday's Wisdom:
A true hypocrite has NO idea they are being a hypocrite. Maybe that's why I can't tolerate them as much as someone who can acknowledge their own contradictions. It is the trigger to the gun, it is the spark that becomes the inferno.

It never felt soooooo good to tell someone off. Although my intentions will never be known, although my voice cannot (or will not) represent what I feel, I take great satisfaction in the actual deed. Those who push me into a tight corner will see the side of me that is not an everyday affair. Although it's astonishing and rather offensive to its assailant, the delight of release is rather euphoric in a way that shoving a hot fork into your eye is. I'm still amazed at myself for what I saw spill over the bulkhead, but at the same time, the dam should have been tended with a little more caution.
With that, I still believe spontaneity is a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, spontaneity under condensed pressure will always seem to yield the unchecked powers of misunderstanding. If you shove a stick into a beehive to make the bees work harder, you will undoubtedly get stung. Those who admire (or fear) the sting of a worker bee will be blessed with a higher wisdom, and those who destroy the hive out of sheer aggression will starve. The first wisdom is to let be, the second is to let go.

As a quote:
"What has begun in anger will end in shame."
-B. Franklin

I tell you what, I feel pretty ashamed for allowing myself to be duped. The other party will feel shame for...wait, hypocrites don't feel shame. They believe in nothing, and as retribution, they will feel nothing and live as nothing. Ahh, but behold a contradiction...perhaps to feel nothing and to live as nothing will produce something that will make you desire everything, but be satiated by nothing? A chain, a chain.
A wise woman said to me the other day that out of a void, she realized the void. How is that so? How can you have nothing, then have something to make you realize that you have nothing? It's amazing when you finally discover the answer.

In a completely unrelated subject matter, God is the shape of a snowflake. It has taken me 23 years and 3 months to conclude that statement, and the thought of it's meaning brings me one step closer to jumping up out of my seat and doing an intense wiggle-dance for all the neighbors to see.

Hmmm, perhaps it is time for plan B...

1212221111121211111

Internet of DOOOOM!

It's funny when you think "Oh, I don't need this internet thing anyway," only to one day check your mail and realize you have a gigabajillion new messages, and none of them are from spammers. It's a good feeling, but it kinda sucks to realize how important the internet has become, especially for communication, and worst of all, how we become addicted to it.
The worst thing about the internet is that it makes us all zombies. Yes, all of us. It manipulates the way we communicate with each other. Less time in the presence of others, and more time alone, in a dark room, staring at a screen for hours. I got rid of AIM because it pissed me off...It shouldn't, it's just a program! I spent many hours on it when I was in high school and a few years after, but then it really became boring. MSN wasn't really considered, but I had a few friends who could only use it through webTV, then others who discovered they could contact me through it. Again, it's fun at first, until you realize that talking to a computer screen deprives the human nature of its social spirit. I feel a bit awkward when I talk to people on the phone, so I try to hang out with people as much as I can.

When the gang first started getting together, it was kind of wierd interacting with all those people I barely spoke to in high school. After while, you start to learn it's not what people talk about that makes a bond grow, but just having that physical interaction and random yet common silliness. It's hard when you meet a stranger, and the more you attempt to know about that stranger, the farther away they become. Or the worst, when those who surround you no longer care about having you as a presence in their life. It doesn't matter what you say, or what kind of interaction that is attempted, those who do not appreciate the presence of others will always push away a great and powerful thing.
I don't care how many miles seperate my friends, family, or those I no longer speak with, I still think about them everyday. I still think about where I have been, what I have said, what I have done. I still keep a journal (both online and in real-life), and I consider my actions before I carry them out. I don't have enough negative energy in my heart to force revenge, nor do I have enough of that negative energy to willingly destroy, hurt, or manipulate the intentions of others. My intervention is usually that of questioning, and if someone doesn't consider what I have to say, then they have no reason to blame me for any bad karma that follows them.
Maybe that is what is so isolating sometimes, that fact that one person can have so much foresight, and it's double the hurt to know something is going to happen, and then actually have it happen, whether it's to a friend or enemy. That's right, feeling hurt for an enemy. That is called compassion boys and girls, maybe more of society should learn how to feel it.
I don't claim to know the future, but I keep my ears to the wind, and my eyes watching. When you do that for so long, you start to recognize patterns, and you start to experience an internal awakening. Yea, it sounds like some Utopian Voodoo bullshit, but if you look at all the nature based cultures around the globe, you'll notice a great similarity. Americans don't seem to understand it, or perhaps, they just ignore it....

On a completely different note, I did attend the Philly convention this weekend, and my client won 2nd place Best Religious tattoo. That was pretty cool, and I guess now I can boost that I am an award-winning artist, lol! Ahh yes, silly emoticons and such. I can't remember what you call 'lol'...I surrrender...
Until next pointless and mindless post...

Boogaloo sweet Boogaloo

Ahhh, some sweet things are happening lately.
I was beginning to lose hope on that 'future' thing, but I was handed the most perfect thing I have been given in a while...

Beth had mentioned her friend had an apartment for rent. For shits and giggles, I decided to get the info from her. It took a little convincing, but I finally called the owner. Come to find out, it's not an apartment, but an efficiency cabin on the creek. I didn't expect it to be very nice, but I checked it out and it is nothing short of perfect.
It's about a mile from the shop, back on a private drive (away from chicken trucks, tractor trailers, and people beeping and yelling), it's on the last piece of property right before the woods, and it rawks something hardcore. I have access to a floating dock, a canoe, a bench swing right on the water, picnic table, hammocks, enough land to have a small campsite, and best of all, my very own tiny-ass shed (for to keep mine mopeds, ja). The cabin has a front porch, full bath, utilities included, hardwood floors, and private parking. All the things I have wanted in a place to stay, but I could never seem to find. I think the best part is that it is so close to work that I could walk there, but back in the woods where it's quiet and private. I didn't even know such places existed around this area.
It is beautful, even for the winter. Everyone keeps telling me how intensely gorgeous it is going to be in the summer. I'm sooooo fuckin' happy it's on a creek, too. I LOOOOOVE living by the water, and I'm going to have sooo much fun once the weather warms up. I have nicknamed it "The Boogaloo."

Just a reminder that things come to you when you least expect them.

That's it for now. Until sometime later...out.
-a

"...It follows you up a Hill..."

Ahhh, it's saturday...well,technically, it's sunday now. I'm glad this week is over. It went by fast, and it feels good to have a few days to sleep in. Gawd knows I need it...
Last night, Ryan and I went to see 'Pan's Labyrinth,' or 'Une Labyrinthe de Faun.' I was unaware that it was subtitled, but that didn't make much difference. All in all, it wasn't too bad, although Ryan didn't care for most of it. I didn't like the graphics, but he did. I like the plot, but he felt it was lacking somehow. Go fig.

Let's see, what else...Did some schweet pieces this week. Tonite I finished a tribal 3/4 sleeve, a colourful lowerback piece, did a small tribute piece, and a flaming apple on a hand. That was fun as shit. The whole story behind the apple piece was hilarious to boot. My clients bought me a smoothie from the local juice joint, and we all ended up having a good bit of afterhours fun. Landon's piece is healing up fantastic, I can't wait to finish the rest of it. I'm not sure when Ryan wants to get his started, hopefully soon. I'm very excited about that piece as well. The week's been steady, and all is well.

Since the weather has changed drastically, so has my sleep schedule. I've had days where I've gotten 12 hours of sleep, only to wake up exhausted, delirious, and groggy. Gotta love it. I've been having some silly dreams as well, but I think that's part of the fact that I sleep like a kinked weasel.

After all the progress I made on the Red Rocket, I've got to tear down the electrical again and reinstall a new CDI kit. Apparently the one I bought isn't the correct size, and it's causing the CDI to be underpowered and misinformed on each crank. Blargh. I hope 1977 Mopeds contacts me soon. I have been patiently awaiting my v1L speed kit, my Mamba pipe, and some other random stuff for a month. Siiigh, this moped addiction...I tell ya...
I also need to get a few more things for my room at work. Although it's comfortable, I still thinks it's kinda bare in there. I have been working on a sketch for a big painting, it's just dependant on how big my canvas is going to be. I'm not sure what will be medium of choice. I'm looking forward to finally getting it down.

There's not a whole helluva lt going on, at least, not rigt now. I'm really ballz-tired, but unable to sleep. Tomorrow, I'll be travelling back to MD for a day or so, doing my thing down there. I've got to get my portfolio reprinted and shipped out to P-burg. Meh, gotta put it on my list.
Right.
That was a boring post. Anyways, hope everyone is doing well out there in I-net land. Pleasant dreams!

Sailing Away

It is finally nice to some snow on the ground, but it was even better to have been out and about walking in it.
As Nikki and I were walking back from RE, the thought of mopedding in the snow, and how fun it would be, briefly ran across my mind. It was more fun being in the company of other people though, so that thought quickly vanished. Hello my name is angel, and I have a moped addiction.

I tattooed all day again on saturday. Joe had come up for a visit, and hung out for a bit while I tattooed. I made sure it was ok with my client to have Joe in the room, and thank gawd they both had a lot in common. My client was very cool, he had been an apprentice at another shop before it closed down. He and Joe talked about music stuff, tattoo stuff, and we just had a good time. I did a PusHead inspired piece to fill up some space on his inner arm. Joe and I discussed putting my Geidusa face on him at some point, but not before I add the finishing touch to his rubber duckie. That fukka snuck out before I could get a picture! *Shakes fist at Joe*

It was a long few days, from thursday to saturday. Brian and Ryan got into it at work, which made everyone feel a bit uneasy, but all is well now. I headed down to Chili's on saturday night after work to meet up with Sarah and Nikki. Those guys had been sitting there for a few hours before I arrived, which doesn't sound like too much fun, so I appreciate them waiting for me. We hung out there for a bit, then headed back to the 'Burg and watched 'The Hatteras Tapes' and talked until the wee hours in the morning. It's always fun to sit back and watch those tapes. I have a small collection of recorded silliness from high school as well. I'm curious to recollect what are on those tapes.

The Red Rocket has expressed its displeasure at me for installing a new CDI kit on it. I'm having issues getting it started (again) and I have been scratching my head over it. I think the timing is off because of the CDI. That, or it could be the monstrously huge jet, incorrect coil installment, or incorrect wiring/grounding. I don't know, but it's driving me nuts. My vote goes to a timing issue, because the rest of the bike has spark. Bah, evil moped. I really hope I can have this bike running consistently before the Richmond rally. *Crosses fingers*

There's really not much I wish to talk about at this point in time. Some stuff happened today, and now I feel like my mind is on a big cube of ice. I am definetly looking forward to my upcoming time off.
Until Menyana.
Over and Out.

"...is this something sinister?"

Man, it is rather cold outside. This is what January is supposed to feel like. I'm happy to see Winter has stirred.
I woke up this morning, I thought I was sore from the wrestling match between Ryan and I yesterday. Alas, I had a massage the other day, and I think that's why I feel so beat up. Even my arms, down to my elbows are sore. Kinda crazy. Jules mentioned how wierd it is when the muscle is stimulated to the point where it's not even sure what's causing it to be stimulated. Nuts.
Tonite I stayed late and tattooed Landon. Brian wanted me to try out this one machine he was tuning today, and tell him what I thought of it. I must admit, I was out of my element, but it wasn't too bad. Tattoo turned out pretty nice. We still have a session of background and jonx to do. It should be sweet once all is said and done.

I'm still feeling kinda funky, mostly disillusioned, I think. At least I am not so alone in being alone. It's interesting to look back when I moved to Baltimore, back to my parent's house, then here to Gettysburg. I remember coming home from work and there would be nothing. It was a glorious nothing. I'd pour a bowl of cereal or a glass of chocolate milk, draw, paint, or play tetris until ridiculous hours in the morning. I then spent the night on the couch, woke up, got ready for work, and was content in my solitude. There was so much more to be stimulated by. I had a place to myself, the beginning of a kick-ass job, and my friends would come visit me on the weekends. All was well.
Then things started to get wierd. I started noticing a change in other's attitudes toward me. It was the beginning of a chain reaction that nearly destroyed me. I thought it was in my head, until I heard other accounts. In my attempt to be self-sufficent, I succeeded, and in doing so, was forgotten. I wasn't angry or spiteful, but just figured I was being silly.

Through all of the new changes, I never lost the ability to feel emotion, in fact, quite the opposite happened. Now I can't turn it off. I suppose such is the curse of being an artist, which is why most artists end up being exiled from typical society. If that is my fate, then so be it. It's probably much more thrilling on that side of the mind.
The more and more I think about it, the more and more I want to try something different for a while. I want to be so devoted to something, that I wouldn't have to think twice about the dangers. I really like that.
When I first started tattooing, it was like that. I couldn't wait to get off work, drive through rush hour traffic for 45 minutes, then sit and be completely overwelmed learning how to tattoo, drive home, then wake up and start job 1 all over again. I never thought about working in an elite studio, doing a billion conventions, getting paid more than 25% of my nightly cut, or having my name in flashing lights. Things just happened because my heart didn't need to think about them.
I want that. Just as I pursued opportunity, I will relinquish what I have gained. Without darkness, there would be no light. Without chaos, there would be no peace.

That's all I have to say. Until next time...

'...hopelessly bright.'

Sooo...I took an IQ test just now, just for shits and giggles. My IQ scored a 120, which is above average. Not too bad for taking the thing at 2 am. At least I am smarter than our knucklehead president.

Today I thought about quitting tattooing, jumping on my moped, and driving wherever. Ultimately, I aspire to drive to the ocean, bare moped.
No, there's nothing going down at Atom Age. I just thought about how nice it would be to do something really spontaneous and challenging, not to mention, get a vacation out of the deal.

Sarah made me realize that I do need a vacation. One that doesn't involve tattooing, or anyone else for that matter. One that isn't of me scrambling around trying to meet up with people I haven't seen for months in an alloted time of 2 days. One where it can be just me, the sacred elements, and my old gods. Yeah. That has me thinking about possibilities.
I have been feeling particuliarly odd this past week. I'm not depressed, I'm not angry, I'm not sad...I'm just longing. I love what I do, but I seriously need to start seeking out the rest of my tribe. Or at least, awaken their spirits inside me. I can't let other people's disconcern for compassion be the whip that berates me. I will shine through that callousness. I will not succumb to underhanded loyalties or conformity for the sake of comfort.

I'd rather be the crooked tree that bears the most fruit, than than the prettiest blossom that offers no scent.

Over, and out.

'Helio's light chases the Night...'

Quarter 'til four, and the night never seems to rest. My eyes have been bloodshot all day. 15 hours of sleep within the past 3 days, 2 days to catch up.
I just finished a painting and a half. I seriously need some bigger canvas...and a real studio. My face is covered in pastel, and that's the way I like it.

I stretched my ears again tonite. I am officially 3/4". They are angry at me right now for stretching them so soon, but the tape on my old plugs was driving me crazy. If only I could get my labret to stretch as easily. I may have to tape my labret plug to stretch it next time. Even my septum doen't give me too much fuss about going bigger.

Tattooed all day again today. They were old clients who brought me some new clients. I like tattooing big custom stuff all day. There is a certain respect that the client commands for putting up with such abuse, and a certain mental rush when the tattooing stops and processing reality commences. I am a mongoloid after tattooing for so long. My mind gets stuck in gear, so little things like processing numbers, dates, and any generic information is limited or nearly impossible. Everything and everyone takes on these crazy shapes and colours, it's like some kind of psychodelic trip. I'm surprised anyone can still understand me talk. Hell, I'm surprised I have enough coordination to stand upright.
My clients are loyal, and very understanding. They treated me to dinner before starting round two. I've found a good 15-20 minute break between tattoos is essential. That 15-20 minutes must be spent doing nothing at my station, not even setting up or breaking down. I must be away from working station, preferably staring at a fixed object. That's how I reset my mode. I just gotta let the buzz wear off so I can hop right back into the chair and get 'tattoo drunk' all over again.
I am exhausted. I want a long, refreshing sleep, with a side of foreshadowing dreams. I hope Fate will lend me a sign to help me settle this confusion. My heart won't stop bantering my head, and my lockbox rattles my good intentions. I keep seeing images of a jagged mountain top. Its desolation from rest of the world keeps haunting me. I'd rather be back under the ocean.
I have left a few coins for the sandman. I hope he can delight me with promising visions and physical replenishing. It seems I am the last of the concious lampdusters.

Bleck, and Stuff.

I am so tired and so awake right now. I can't decide if I want to draw or sleep. I didn't actually fall asleep until after 5 am this morning. I saw sunlight enter my room, even though it rained a bit.
I'm going to install a faucet on the side of my head. I'm going to use that faucet to turn my nose drippage off, just like in the cartoons. The right side of my face has drained, now it's the left side's turn. Ahhh, silly weather. Everyone at the studio has been afflicted, but Brian and Ryan have been affected the most. Brian has been sick for the past few weeks, and just as he started feeling better, he got whatever sinus-eating monster that's going around. Ryan actually called out of work, which is very unusual. He def. wasn't himself today.
I don't feel bad at all. My face feels stupid, and my nose won't stop dripping, but that's about as far as that annoyance goes. I feel the best out of all of them, and I'm the only one not taking any medicine. It's my supercells. Last time I was sick to the point of vomitting was back in 7th grade. Notice I did not include any alcohol related sickness, there were plenty of those. The crazy PTS episodes I was having made me feel like I was going to vomit, but mostly they left me feeling like I was dying. The reaction to that medication I was taking wasn't all that fun, either. Having your entire body go into convulsions while you are wide awake and conscious is a rather interesting feeling.
I finished up a very short half of a half sleeve today...I really don't know what to call it. The piece is of two lambs, one on top of the other, holding banners with some background stuff behind it. The thing covers his arm, shoulder to elbow and bicep to tricep, without going ionto his inner bicep. I've been addicted to big mags lately. The piece (which was done in black and grey) should have taken me 5-6 hours, but we rawked it out in less than 3. He had to come back after the first session, which worked out perfectly. Today's session only took me 1/2 hour to do. He was stoked, and told me how he's had nothing but compliments and people stopping him when he goes out into public. Considering he got a piece on his other arm by an artist of inferior calibre, his popular new tattoo has boosted his ego, as well as intensified the meaning behind the design. I think that's the best thing about being a tattoo artist. You can actually change someone's attitude for the better, which can have outward effects on all from that point on. Chain reaction, baby.

I think I like seeing the change more in men than I do women, at least in American culture. I can't speak for many other cultures. Women tend to label their tattoo as 'cute' and 'sexy,' which are words to describe a hair cut or a dress. Guys take their art and and wear it more symbolically, kind of like "I have many tattoos, I am alpha." Which, in my opinion, is what tattoos are all about. It doesn't even matter what they have tattooed on them, they just have more pride in wearing them. Even women in natural tribes got tattooed to symbolize their transcience into adulthood, or mark the number of years they have lived. They don't use little pictures of cartoon characters on concealed areas of their bodies to generate the sex appeal. Lines, dots, marks on their faces, hands, feet, arms...the places that are seen the most are used as their advertising. In essence, they wear them 'loud' to tell more of a story about their place in culture rather than use them as an erotic 'flavor of the week.'
There is a fine line between using a tattoo to 'represent' or 'adorn for sexual purposes.' I really cannot connect with using a butterfly on my upper ass as a billboard for my fertility, but I can't deny what a person thinks is a representation of themselves. Maybe that person is a blossoming butterfly, and the tattoo that they have chosen is truly the epitome of all that resides inside them. Maybe it's the skinny guy in the back who is ashamed of his arms, so a tribal arm band will fulfill what nature has left him lacking. Of course I cannot deny his intentions for wanting something to enhance his body, but at the same time, his tattoo reads as a band-aid to what he thinks is a laceration to society's standards.
It's not just about relating a random (or even cliche) image to an adversity in your life, it's about relating the adversity to an image. Adversity is not all the meaning there is to choose from, either. Imagination is the source of creation.

Alright, I'm stepping off my soapbox now.

A Deep Rant.

It's getting late in the AM, but I am not tired yet. I wasn't able to get to sleep until 4 am. Something has me stirred, and I'm not quite sure what its intentions are.

Suddenly, a bad memory, like a random nightmare, keeps me awake. A message lingers that I hope is not as malignant as its origin.

I found some letters tonite, conversations if you will. I had saved them because I knew one day I would have to read over them. I read them without anger, but with sincere disappointment and hurt. Everything fell into place. I wish I had seen it sooner. I would have left sooner...No. Those who know me know I would not betray them. Those who know me know I am in it until the end. Those who know me know that my silence is not something to be taken lightly.

I avoided contact as much as I could. It hurts to read such things, and to know the author will never think twice about the things that were said. I hate thinking about it, so I don't. I only wish I could turn my heart off as easily as you turned off yours.

I hope that you understand, saying something spiteful out of a temper is understandable and forgiveable. Saying something spiteful out of sheer vindictiveness is nothing short of an atrocity.

Sorry if this is more of a negative post. My heart wanted me to know something tonite, and I want its assailant to feel the intensity of its displeasure.

Long Time, No Nothing.

Mmm, it's been a little while since I've published some schtuff. I really don't know where to begin, not that there has been a whole lot happening...

Let's see, Dustin and I have been taking advantage of the weather. I believe it was Saturday when it was 66 degrees at night, but rainy and humid. I got home early from work and just about shot out the door on my moped like a rocket. D came over just in time, and we ended up puddle jumping in the back alleys of G-burg. We stopped off at the Stinkin' Lincoln, visited Iris, and just hung out until the rain became a little more persistent.
Sunday I met D in the afternoon, and we went to El Costeno for lunch. Man, I miss that place. The Rancho Grande just isn't the same. We ended up buzzing around for a bit, stopping off at the local Mexican grocery stores in search of cases of Sangria Soda. WE found a place that carries the single bottles in glass OR plastic! Way wierd. They also had glass bottles of Pepsi, Coke, and 7-up, which was cool. If only they had Dr. Pepper...my brother would be in heaven.
Monday, I took it easy and just hung around the house. Brian closed the shop Monday and Tuesday, which was nice to have a few days off. I woke up feeling a little congested, which is mostly a product of this wacky weather. Sarah and I walked to the library and then to the Ragged Edge to hang out and spend some roomie time together. I picked up a Japanese coursebook packet, and spent the rest of the day locked in my room learning Japanese. Surprisingly, their grammar and phonetics aren't really that hard to pick up. I think the tricky part will be learning the various different script types, etiquette, and metaphorical expressions. I have plans of taking a class on it as well.
Tuesday...I had been having a craving for lemongrass soup, so I met Ryan and Morgan up in Mechanicsburg and we hit up Bankok Wok. Needless to say, I have eaten very well in the past few days LOL! I think that lemongrass soup was exactly what I needed because I feel a ton better than I did yesterday.

Other than the silly weather, work has been steady. Saturday I had a client sit for 6 hours as we worked on his lower arm sleeve. He's a fantastic guy, very soft spoken and honest. We will be done with the lower portion soon, so then it's on to his upper arm. He's also very lenient with my work, and I am VERY grateful for that.

I've had quite a few repeat clients and referrals within the past few months. I guess I don't suck as bad as I thought! I've had a lot more inquiries about portraits and such, which is cool, because I haven't done a people portrait for a good spell. They can be quite tricky, but I'm looking forward to the challenge.

My co-workers have also provided me with some great tattoo opportunites. Morgan would like Ryan and I to do a collaboration on her back. Ryan's getting a gianormous leg sleeve thingy. Landon is getting a sweet Yuki-Onna. Laura wants me to do a cover-up on her arm. I also owe Fuz a severed Medusa head, and Kevin had mentioned something about getting some ink. I'm still trying to figure out what I want and where. There are soooo many ideas, I just don't know what I want to do with them all. Besides, I do have an oni that needs some love first.

Blargh. I'm not sure what I have going on tomorrow. All 4 of us are going to be in tomorrow, which means baskets of fun and amusement. I forgot how fun it is working with guys! Between Ryan and Landon having a battle of words and hand-flarping contests, to Brian getting barraged with penis jokes, those guys keep me looking forward to the day, even if it's been a shitty week.

I suppose that was a hearty update. If the weather keeps me roombound, I shall try to update more often. If I go missing, it's either one of two things: I am out sacrificing to the moped gods, or aliens have finally returned to take me back to my home planet. Until Menyana!

"It's time for something great..."

Welp, the new year is here, and the world has not been destroyed...yet.
I spent New Year's eve at Kurt and Nat's house. Kurt made a ridiculously huge pile of chicken parmigiana, garlic bread, and I made my infamous taco dip. We all ate, drank, and proceeded to the silliness run rampant. I got there at 7ish, ate, and watched The Fifth Element until the tv was pasted with images of Time Square. We all deemed the American version of New Year's to be boring, so we flipped it over the Spanish channel. There, we witnessed ankle bungee jumping, a Mexican NYE Mafia leader, silly hats and glasses, and language pronounciation differences that made us all smile. The fun thing about the Mexican/Spanish channel was that the time zone was an hour behind, so we ended up watching New Year's Eve twice. It was like going back in time!!! HAHA not really, but it's fun to pretend.
We goofed off for a while, and I the last thing I remember was dozing off, hearing the crack of a beer, opening my eyes just as Kurt screamed "More Beer!" in a high pitched voiced, then looking over at the clock and realizing it was 4 am. He and Brocious continued drinking until 5 am.
Kurt and Brocious woke up and ran to the store to get eggs. They came back and concocted breakfast for us all. I can't remember what time we got up, but I'm pretty sure it was after 12:30/closer to 1. I left around 3 and spent the rest of the day mopeding/working on moped.

There was this strange stretch of backroad, and the environment around me vibrated in some wierd energy, I really can't describe it. The sky was the strangest shade of blue, and the sun was a small ball on my left. To my right, the moon was nearly full, but veiled by the clouds. For a moment, I lost my sense of time. It felt like 12 am, but it was still light outside. It soon got cold (even with 6 layers of clothing on), so D and I headed back to G-burg. Since nothing was open, we went back to my house and proceeded to wrench on the Sebring some more. I think we have gained ground on the electrical issue, and once I get the right tools, the flywheel is coming off PDQ.

Work was a little quiet today, and I guess that's good for Brian. He developed some kinda of ear/throat inflammation, so he's not feeling the best. I did have a girl come in today who wanted to get tattooed. It was obvious this girl had been through some chemo, but Brian had tattooed her before, so I didn't think anything out of the ordinary since she was very spunky and energetic. Brian handed her over to me, I helped her with her design, and she was ready to get it done. Something didn't seem right. I copy her driver's liscense, then realized what the problem was. I turned to her and asked her if she's had chemo, she says yes. I ask her if she's taking any meds, she says "Yes." I ask her what kind, and she says "Anti-rejection meds, because I had a bone marrow transplant."
I looked at her and said, "You cannot get tattooed." She looked at me and asked why not, and I told her that her immune system is fucked-up right now, and the fact that the anti-rejection meds are most likely going to react badly to having foreign matter in her body. I told her to call her doctor and ask him, so she did, and they told her NO WAY. They said that if she were to have gottened tattooed today, the worst case scenario is that her organs would suffer major damage, and she could go into shock and die.
Of course she was bummed, I was bummed for her. I apologized for raining on her parade, but I'm glad I didn't lax on the questionnaire. Hopefully she will get well soon, and be able to get all the tattoos she wants after all that stuff is out of her body.

I have an appointment in a few weeks for a serious massage. I had a mini one over the break, and it left me sore (which i figured was normal) and on the verge of PTS-ness. It had me worried because I thought it may have triggered a PTS episode, but luckily it dissipated in a little less than a week. I don't think I have to worry about a major PTS episode for a good while, since the catalyst has been removed from the equation.

Hmmm, I guess that's all to report for now. I know, I know, this blog is boring, but you did read it, so that's your own damn fault! Until later...