Level Up!

I ate too many pretzels, tonite. Their effect is slowly wearing off now, and I can focus on writing this so that I may get to bed.

I stayed at class late tonight, and I talked to Gina for 2 hours after class. I don't know how it managed to be two hours, but it was a very intricate conversation. My level of respect has gone up a few notches because of it. It's not that I didn't respect Gina before, oh no. Gina is awesome! I have more respect because she thought nothing of it.
I don't feel like such a weirdo after talking to her. Well, maybe weirdo isn't the word. I don't feel like I am so alone in what I feel and believe. I always hoped there were others that see the same things, and feel the same things, but after discussing it tonight, I feel like I truly found another of my 'feather.'

So anyways, I am right here where I need to be, no if, ands, or buts about it. This is where I have been led. The Great Fate has guided me closer to balance, even though I am kicking myself for not listening sooner. I pray that I can become closer to the Great Force and make my way to the deeper channel of life, beyond any mental eddies. I want to keep my composure in the face of adversity, and have a greater faith in Karma. I don't ever want to be consumed by bitterness.
I don't think I'm doing bad for myself in the least bit. I'm definitely not fighting to stay positive in a negative environment. I'm grateful I don't have that to worry about.

So down the line, I am confident of all that has happened, and all that may still happen. I just have to meditate a little harder, and try to do it as much as I can, when I can. I want to be at that level that I saw in another human being tonight. I don't want to surpass it right now, I just want to be there.

That's it, that's all I have for my littler blurb right now. Stay tuned for more to come!

'Centered, Grounded, Guided.'

Well, I'm starting to write this at 3:39 AM. I am wide awake because, well, I am. Part of the norm and all. I just finished writing an email to a guy I have never met. I wrote to him because I want him to know his story is the same story a few of us have learned.
It goes back to my saying that history repeats itself, and unless you figure out what you are doing wrong, you are going to live it and relive it all over again. Once the situation becomes new, then you know you have successfully learned and moved on to the next level.

Not for some, though. I think that it is funny that there are completely irrational people that blame others for problems that are a chain of events initiated by their own egotistical reactions. We all have blamed someone for doing something 'on purpose (regardless of that person's true intentions), but once the situation is analyzed, one would usually realize that the initial effect is typically beyond all control. It's things like road rage, where not being aware of your blindspot might cause you to cut someone off. In retaliation, that person follows you, clinging to your bumper, swearing, making obscene gestures, and eventually driving you off the road. Your demise has barely satisfied their need to retaliate. That's irrational.

It's also a parallel to Psychological Projection, but that's a whole other rant.

In any case, the point that I'm trying to illustrate is that the deeply afflicted irrational do not move on. They brood themselves into nothing. Their hatred and malice eventually consume them. Those that do not express spite resolve themselves with apathy.

I don't know what's worse, to be consumed by your own bitterness, or wither away because you feel nothing at all.


So for all those who have recently (or ultimately) been wronged by an irrational monster, I wish you peace. It is the only way to conquer that which has no soul.

It is 4:51 now. I think I have attempted to write a relevant rant. If I have not succeeded, please send all comments to the complaint department. The will be promptly evaluated and responded to.

This is Happening.

It seems so long ago, it seems so far away ago;
Where the arrows of Jupiter cannot break the woven shackles of the hopeless,
I'm there and gone.
and the days flood all over again.


I have reached the full circle, and I am back where I had left off. It's not a bad thing by any means. I only wish I was able to do it sooner. I am reminded, though, that such expedited fortunes are reserved for the apathetic.

I don't feel the cold as much. The phantom scents are the only persistent reminder of that empty blue room. Well, that and a few notes of familiar songs.
I still miss him. At least that lonely graveyard returned one person back into my life. I cannot even reverse the memories and expel them into a visual construction. They are simply too destructive to release there. Even thinking about it for longer than a minute could be enough to let them inhabit my dreams. I want it gone for good.

It's getting there.

I was walking one day, and I felt like I never left. I found some old oil paintings, and they smelled like warmth and comfort.
I realized there is a gap in my sketchbook that no matter how hard I'd like to fill it with those missing memories, there will simply be no way to do it, or do it without shredding this puzzle piece heart.

I'll always remember rain, I'll always remember how gray the mountains made everything seem. I'll always remember cutting the puddles at night, the mist in the endless fields, the marsh and the shade. I'll always remember the signs that told me to leave before I even arrived.
The Black Dog omen still haunts me. When I awoke, I quickly rendered the beast. It's buried in my box somewhere. I think that's the best place for it.

I hope Winter will return this year to assure that things have been made right. I haven't much time left, and I don't want to be a ghost.

I apologize that this entry didn't make much sense from the outside. Insomnia tends to awaken more then just my physical being. That being the case, my fingers just follow step. I'll attempt to make a more coherent post at a later time.