Nothing, nothing.
So let's see...this weekend was fun, didn't do much, but it was nice. I hung out with my brother and sister-in-law yesterday. I helped them with Gabe, and we sat and talked for a good bit. They are good people, and I'm not saying that because they are my family. They really ARE the best kind of people. The will make terrific parents.
I hung out with Jim and Ben briefly. I also hung out with my friend, Erica, and her friend, Marc. I'm not really a bar-jammer, so I snuck (or sneaked if you'd like) out early on both occasions. It felt great to be able to see/hang with my familiars again.
I've had a bunch of offers from different studios, but I'm trying to resist as much as I can. It felt great to have the desire to draw for myself again. I filled about 5 pages in my sketchbook in one night. It just feels...tremendous! I've been itching to paint, but my supplies are at my other 'home.'
I was hoping to see some better weather this weekend, but alas, Winter strikes again. I'm not complaining, Winter is one of my favorite seasons. I have March/April to look forward to, and hopefully, some amazing riding weather.
Hmmm, what else?? There's really not much going on at the moment. I had a dream about dying the other night, which was a surprise. I hadn't had a 'death dream' in quite some time. It was kind of scary since I dreamt of being in my car, in a snow storm, then sliding off the road and hitting an embankment, then hitting a tree. I felt like I woke up screaming, but I'm not sure. This was before there was any word of wintery weather, too, so it was kind of wierd to think about that as I drove home last night. I used to have death dreams all the time, and they were actually pretty cool. A lot of the time it wasn't the act of dying, but what followed in my dream. Things like looking into a mirror and seeing my face decay in time-lapse fashion were pretty freaky. Some of them were so intense, I felt like I was dreaming even when I was awake throughout the day. Those kind were utterly terrifying, but amazing at the same time.
Ed called me the other night. It was good to hear from him, and to hear that he is still hopeful, despite things getting a little rough on his side of the island. He has a theory about top feeders and bottom feeders. I really don't think he knows just how true his theory is. I hope that he remains the good person he is, despite the trash that surrounds him.
That's all I have to say for this day. It's not like any of this really matters. In fact, I'm not even sure why I have a public journal. I'm going to go play some Tetris now. So looooooooooooooong!
Monday, February 26, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Jonx, Jinx, Janx
"Waddup," from Jinx.
That's right, I'm hanging with Jinx, Cali, and Edgar. Cali has been super affectionate since I brought her here, Edgar is still Edgar, and Jinx, well...Jinx could care less. Jinx' behavior has definetly changed since Saige died. He has become more restless and active, and I know that sounds absurd since he is a snake. I have thought about getting him a girl, but I don't know. I've had both of them since they were hatchlings, and I wouldn't want to bear the chance of getting an ill-tempered adult or a weak, anorexic hatchling. Time will tell, I suppose.
I'm getting anxious about this weekend. I hear the weather is supposed to be splendid, which is a welcome treat for moped ridin'. I've begun the search to replace tattooing in my life. I'm not sure what's out there and what I am even qualified to do, but I'll find something. I'm not really worried about it. It will be a fun journey, just like tattooing was in the beginning. I still have to go out to Pittsburgh, though, since I did promise them months ago I'd fill in for Fuz. Josh has offered me a chair for a couple weeks, but I might resist the temptation just so I don't get too sentimental about getting back into the swing of things. Everyone wants to see me open up my own studio, except for, well...me. I like travelling so that's the first thing that deters me. The second would be my disillusionment of the industry and the people within the industry. I'm tired of kissing other people's asses only to have my heart raveged by disappointment. I'm tired of people telling me that if I have a problem, they'll sit down and help 'resolve' it (and by that, they mean tell me it's their way or the highway), and then they flip out or get super bitchy because I'm T R Y I N G to have a discussion with them. Then I get pinned with being disrespectful, like I'm trying to tell them how to do their jobs. I don't want their fucking job. I just want them to consider what I have to say and not shut me down when I have a major concern. I've tried to keep my mouth shut and remain quiet, then it's perceived as me plotting against everyone. Fuck that. I don't have the energy to plot. Besides, Fate throw a wrench in my plans almost everytime.
So maybe I'd make a good boss one day, or maybe I won't. With my luck, it will be something stupid that keeps me from being successful in that department. The thought of owning my own does not make me happy at all at this point. The numbers, the worry, the stress...Yea right. My heart would just explode on the spot. That's why I like being behind the scenes, until I get taken advantage of and/or excluded, ignored, and abandoned by my 'team.' That's what has disillusioned me the most. The rest is just greedy, money-driven power-trippers who have no appreciation for the art aspect of tattooing.
Everyone keeps telling me people like that are everywhere, and I really wish I could prove them otherwise. I enjoy helping people, interacting with them, and I love being a part of things. When people forget to appreciate and seek expectation in it's wake, it really makes me unhappy to be doing what I do. I'd love to avoid the general involvement of society altogether, but yea, that's not happening anytime soon.
So yea. A reprieve is just what I need. If I get back into tattooing, swell, because I really do enjoy it, but if there is something else that takes my fancy, then so be it.
That's right, I'm hanging with Jinx, Cali, and Edgar. Cali has been super affectionate since I brought her here, Edgar is still Edgar, and Jinx, well...Jinx could care less. Jinx' behavior has definetly changed since Saige died. He has become more restless and active, and I know that sounds absurd since he is a snake. I have thought about getting him a girl, but I don't know. I've had both of them since they were hatchlings, and I wouldn't want to bear the chance of getting an ill-tempered adult or a weak, anorexic hatchling. Time will tell, I suppose.
I'm getting anxious about this weekend. I hear the weather is supposed to be splendid, which is a welcome treat for moped ridin'. I've begun the search to replace tattooing in my life. I'm not sure what's out there and what I am even qualified to do, but I'll find something. I'm not really worried about it. It will be a fun journey, just like tattooing was in the beginning. I still have to go out to Pittsburgh, though, since I did promise them months ago I'd fill in for Fuz. Josh has offered me a chair for a couple weeks, but I might resist the temptation just so I don't get too sentimental about getting back into the swing of things. Everyone wants to see me open up my own studio, except for, well...me. I like travelling so that's the first thing that deters me. The second would be my disillusionment of the industry and the people within the industry. I'm tired of kissing other people's asses only to have my heart raveged by disappointment. I'm tired of people telling me that if I have a problem, they'll sit down and help 'resolve' it (and by that, they mean tell me it's their way or the highway), and then they flip out or get super bitchy because I'm T R Y I N G to have a discussion with them. Then I get pinned with being disrespectful, like I'm trying to tell them how to do their jobs. I don't want their fucking job. I just want them to consider what I have to say and not shut me down when I have a major concern. I've tried to keep my mouth shut and remain quiet, then it's perceived as me plotting against everyone. Fuck that. I don't have the energy to plot. Besides, Fate throw a wrench in my plans almost everytime.
So maybe I'd make a good boss one day, or maybe I won't. With my luck, it will be something stupid that keeps me from being successful in that department. The thought of owning my own does not make me happy at all at this point. The numbers, the worry, the stress...Yea right. My heart would just explode on the spot. That's why I like being behind the scenes, until I get taken advantage of and/or excluded, ignored, and abandoned by my 'team.' That's what has disillusioned me the most. The rest is just greedy, money-driven power-trippers who have no appreciation for the art aspect of tattooing.
Everyone keeps telling me people like that are everywhere, and I really wish I could prove them otherwise. I enjoy helping people, interacting with them, and I love being a part of things. When people forget to appreciate and seek expectation in it's wake, it really makes me unhappy to be doing what I do. I'd love to avoid the general involvement of society altogether, but yea, that's not happening anytime soon.
So yea. A reprieve is just what I need. If I get back into tattooing, swell, because I really do enjoy it, but if there is something else that takes my fancy, then so be it.
A good number 34
HA. Ha. and HA.
'Hey Mister, don't forget your coat!'
So yes, I'm done with a lot of things. I have an extra pair of shoes, a flare, and a sharp knife (you know, to keep the hungry wolves away). I'll go back to living a silent life, away from the constant bustle of the grabbing hands of strangers. I'll go back to being a flighty, nervous chicken, weary of everything, trying to avoid being coaxed out of the shadow. I'll keep my gifts locked away from all those who wish to exploit them. I've ridden that wave long enough, and it's heading in the direction of a rocky outcrop. I still find it amazing, and I do not regret any of it.
What would you have me say?
Go ahead, by all means...
We all have raised tempers, we have acted in an untimely fashion, we all have hidden behind some mask at some points in our lives. It seems though, there are those unwilling to remember, unwilling to forget, unwilling to be ashamed. Where's the fun of that? I'm not/was ever void of emotion, I suffer too much of it at a time. Don't expect me to be human so you can take advantage of me. No one is ever willing to remeber the positives. Instead, they write people off because of the negatives. If I would have written off those I met, there would not be any good memories that still make me smile from time to time. Be angry, be resentful, but if that wears away and you still cannot smile, you have burned yourself, not me.
I'm not out seeking battle. I'm not out trying to suck off what other people have. I'm not out to swing fists without negotiation first. That implies that you can't know anything about yourself if you don't fight, even if that means getting the crap kicked out of you for defending what you feel.
Progression, progression, progression. It is for everyone.
'Hey Mister, don't forget your coat!'
So yes, I'm done with a lot of things. I have an extra pair of shoes, a flare, and a sharp knife (you know, to keep the hungry wolves away). I'll go back to living a silent life, away from the constant bustle of the grabbing hands of strangers. I'll go back to being a flighty, nervous chicken, weary of everything, trying to avoid being coaxed out of the shadow. I'll keep my gifts locked away from all those who wish to exploit them. I've ridden that wave long enough, and it's heading in the direction of a rocky outcrop. I still find it amazing, and I do not regret any of it.
What would you have me say?
Go ahead, by all means...
We all have raised tempers, we have acted in an untimely fashion, we all have hidden behind some mask at some points in our lives. It seems though, there are those unwilling to remember, unwilling to forget, unwilling to be ashamed. Where's the fun of that? I'm not/was ever void of emotion, I suffer too much of it at a time. Don't expect me to be human so you can take advantage of me. No one is ever willing to remeber the positives. Instead, they write people off because of the negatives. If I would have written off those I met, there would not be any good memories that still make me smile from time to time. Be angry, be resentful, but if that wears away and you still cannot smile, you have burned yourself, not me.
I'm not out seeking battle. I'm not out trying to suck off what other people have. I'm not out to swing fists without negotiation first. That implies that you can't know anything about yourself if you don't fight, even if that means getting the crap kicked out of you for defending what you feel.
Progression, progression, progression. It is for everyone.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Amazing, I say!
I'd like to declare that wisdom is a funny, funny thing. It appears from experience, just when you least expect it. At least, I think...
You know what else is funny? Irony. and fuzzy socks. Both make me laugh, but one cuts like hot glass, and the other just makes me ponder the very definition. HAR.
2007 is the year of the boar. I can't tell if it's going to be a good thing or bad. Perhaps it will be mixed with a generous chunk of that tharr irony. Maybe a hopeless and challenging situation will be the be the most undemanding and optimistic promotion of transformation. It is childish to rely on wishes, but prayers aren't suited for the foolish. And remember, desperation can be a sign of foolishness.
Epitome is a funny word, too. "For spiritual splendor is the epitome of all that is great within." Eh-'Pit-oh-mee. Wait, did I just end a sentence with a preposition? Dear god, there is no hope.
Friday's Wisdom:
A true hypocrite has NO idea they are being a hypocrite. Maybe that's why I can't tolerate them as much as someone who can acknowledge their own contradictions. It is the trigger to the gun, it is the spark that becomes the inferno.
It never felt soooooo good to tell someone off. Although my intentions will never be known, although my voice cannot (or will not) represent what I feel, I take great satisfaction in the actual deed. Those who push me into a tight corner will see the side of me that is not an everyday affair. Although it's astonishing and rather offensive to its assailant, the delight of release is rather euphoric in a way that shoving a hot fork into your eye is. I'm still amazed at myself for what I saw spill over the bulkhead, but at the same time, the dam should have been tended with a little more caution.
With that, I still believe spontaneity is a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, spontaneity under condensed pressure will always seem to yield the unchecked powers of misunderstanding. If you shove a stick into a beehive to make the bees work harder, you will undoubtedly get stung. Those who admire (or fear) the sting of a worker bee will be blessed with a higher wisdom, and those who destroy the hive out of sheer aggression will starve. The first wisdom is to let be, the second is to let go.
As a quote:
"What has begun in anger will end in shame."
-B. Franklin
I tell you what, I feel pretty ashamed for allowing myself to be duped. The other party will feel shame for...wait, hypocrites don't feel shame. They believe in nothing, and as retribution, they will feel nothing and live as nothing. Ahh, but behold a contradiction...perhaps to feel nothing and to live as nothing will produce something that will make you desire everything, but be satiated by nothing? A chain, a chain.
A wise woman said to me the other day that out of a void, she realized the void. How is that so? How can you have nothing, then have something to make you realize that you have nothing? It's amazing when you finally discover the answer.
In a completely unrelated subject matter, God is the shape of a snowflake. It has taken me 23 years and 3 months to conclude that statement, and the thought of it's meaning brings me one step closer to jumping up out of my seat and doing an intense wiggle-dance for all the neighbors to see.
Hmmm, perhaps it is time for plan B...
You know what else is funny? Irony. and fuzzy socks. Both make me laugh, but one cuts like hot glass, and the other just makes me ponder the very definition. HAR.
2007 is the year of the boar. I can't tell if it's going to be a good thing or bad. Perhaps it will be mixed with a generous chunk of that tharr irony. Maybe a hopeless and challenging situation will be the be the most undemanding and optimistic promotion of transformation. It is childish to rely on wishes, but prayers aren't suited for the foolish. And remember, desperation can be a sign of foolishness.
Epitome is a funny word, too. "For spiritual splendor is the epitome of all that is great within." Eh-'Pit-oh-mee. Wait, did I just end a sentence with a preposition? Dear god, there is no hope.
Friday's Wisdom:
A true hypocrite has NO idea they are being a hypocrite. Maybe that's why I can't tolerate them as much as someone who can acknowledge their own contradictions. It is the trigger to the gun, it is the spark that becomes the inferno.
It never felt soooooo good to tell someone off. Although my intentions will never be known, although my voice cannot (or will not) represent what I feel, I take great satisfaction in the actual deed. Those who push me into a tight corner will see the side of me that is not an everyday affair. Although it's astonishing and rather offensive to its assailant, the delight of release is rather euphoric in a way that shoving a hot fork into your eye is. I'm still amazed at myself for what I saw spill over the bulkhead, but at the same time, the dam should have been tended with a little more caution.
With that, I still believe spontaneity is a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, spontaneity under condensed pressure will always seem to yield the unchecked powers of misunderstanding. If you shove a stick into a beehive to make the bees work harder, you will undoubtedly get stung. Those who admire (or fear) the sting of a worker bee will be blessed with a higher wisdom, and those who destroy the hive out of sheer aggression will starve. The first wisdom is to let be, the second is to let go.
As a quote:
"What has begun in anger will end in shame."
-B. Franklin
I tell you what, I feel pretty ashamed for allowing myself to be duped. The other party will feel shame for...wait, hypocrites don't feel shame. They believe in nothing, and as retribution, they will feel nothing and live as nothing. Ahh, but behold a contradiction...perhaps to feel nothing and to live as nothing will produce something that will make you desire everything, but be satiated by nothing? A chain, a chain.
A wise woman said to me the other day that out of a void, she realized the void. How is that so? How can you have nothing, then have something to make you realize that you have nothing? It's amazing when you finally discover the answer.
In a completely unrelated subject matter, God is the shape of a snowflake. It has taken me 23 years and 3 months to conclude that statement, and the thought of it's meaning brings me one step closer to jumping up out of my seat and doing an intense wiggle-dance for all the neighbors to see.
Hmmm, perhaps it is time for plan B...
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
1212221111121211111
Internet of DOOOOM!
It's funny when you think "Oh, I don't need this internet thing anyway," only to one day check your mail and realize you have a gigabajillion new messages, and none of them are from spammers. It's a good feeling, but it kinda sucks to realize how important the internet has become, especially for communication, and worst of all, how we become addicted to it.
The worst thing about the internet is that it makes us all zombies. Yes, all of us. It manipulates the way we communicate with each other. Less time in the presence of others, and more time alone, in a dark room, staring at a screen for hours. I got rid of AIM because it pissed me off...It shouldn't, it's just a program! I spent many hours on it when I was in high school and a few years after, but then it really became boring. MSN wasn't really considered, but I had a few friends who could only use it through webTV, then others who discovered they could contact me through it. Again, it's fun at first, until you realize that talking to a computer screen deprives the human nature of its social spirit. I feel a bit awkward when I talk to people on the phone, so I try to hang out with people as much as I can.
When the gang first started getting together, it was kind of wierd interacting with all those people I barely spoke to in high school. After while, you start to learn it's not what people talk about that makes a bond grow, but just having that physical interaction and random yet common silliness. It's hard when you meet a stranger, and the more you attempt to know about that stranger, the farther away they become. Or the worst, when those who surround you no longer care about having you as a presence in their life. It doesn't matter what you say, or what kind of interaction that is attempted, those who do not appreciate the presence of others will always push away a great and powerful thing.
I don't care how many miles seperate my friends, family, or those I no longer speak with, I still think about them everyday. I still think about where I have been, what I have said, what I have done. I still keep a journal (both online and in real-life), and I consider my actions before I carry them out. I don't have enough negative energy in my heart to force revenge, nor do I have enough of that negative energy to willingly destroy, hurt, or manipulate the intentions of others. My intervention is usually that of questioning, and if someone doesn't consider what I have to say, then they have no reason to blame me for any bad karma that follows them.
Maybe that is what is so isolating sometimes, that fact that one person can have so much foresight, and it's double the hurt to know something is going to happen, and then actually have it happen, whether it's to a friend or enemy. That's right, feeling hurt for an enemy. That is called compassion boys and girls, maybe more of society should learn how to feel it.
I don't claim to know the future, but I keep my ears to the wind, and my eyes watching. When you do that for so long, you start to recognize patterns, and you start to experience an internal awakening. Yea, it sounds like some Utopian Voodoo bullshit, but if you look at all the nature based cultures around the globe, you'll notice a great similarity. Americans don't seem to understand it, or perhaps, they just ignore it....
On a completely different note, I did attend the Philly convention this weekend, and my client won 2nd place Best Religious tattoo. That was pretty cool, and I guess now I can boost that I am an award-winning artist, lol! Ahh yes, silly emoticons and such. I can't remember what you call 'lol'...I surrrender...
Until next pointless and mindless post...
It's funny when you think "Oh, I don't need this internet thing anyway," only to one day check your mail and realize you have a gigabajillion new messages, and none of them are from spammers. It's a good feeling, but it kinda sucks to realize how important the internet has become, especially for communication, and worst of all, how we become addicted to it.
The worst thing about the internet is that it makes us all zombies. Yes, all of us. It manipulates the way we communicate with each other. Less time in the presence of others, and more time alone, in a dark room, staring at a screen for hours. I got rid of AIM because it pissed me off...It shouldn't, it's just a program! I spent many hours on it when I was in high school and a few years after, but then it really became boring. MSN wasn't really considered, but I had a few friends who could only use it through webTV, then others who discovered they could contact me through it. Again, it's fun at first, until you realize that talking to a computer screen deprives the human nature of its social spirit. I feel a bit awkward when I talk to people on the phone, so I try to hang out with people as much as I can.
When the gang first started getting together, it was kind of wierd interacting with all those people I barely spoke to in high school. After while, you start to learn it's not what people talk about that makes a bond grow, but just having that physical interaction and random yet common silliness. It's hard when you meet a stranger, and the more you attempt to know about that stranger, the farther away they become. Or the worst, when those who surround you no longer care about having you as a presence in their life. It doesn't matter what you say, or what kind of interaction that is attempted, those who do not appreciate the presence of others will always push away a great and powerful thing.
I don't care how many miles seperate my friends, family, or those I no longer speak with, I still think about them everyday. I still think about where I have been, what I have said, what I have done. I still keep a journal (both online and in real-life), and I consider my actions before I carry them out. I don't have enough negative energy in my heart to force revenge, nor do I have enough of that negative energy to willingly destroy, hurt, or manipulate the intentions of others. My intervention is usually that of questioning, and if someone doesn't consider what I have to say, then they have no reason to blame me for any bad karma that follows them.
Maybe that is what is so isolating sometimes, that fact that one person can have so much foresight, and it's double the hurt to know something is going to happen, and then actually have it happen, whether it's to a friend or enemy. That's right, feeling hurt for an enemy. That is called compassion boys and girls, maybe more of society should learn how to feel it.
I don't claim to know the future, but I keep my ears to the wind, and my eyes watching. When you do that for so long, you start to recognize patterns, and you start to experience an internal awakening. Yea, it sounds like some Utopian Voodoo bullshit, but if you look at all the nature based cultures around the globe, you'll notice a great similarity. Americans don't seem to understand it, or perhaps, they just ignore it....
On a completely different note, I did attend the Philly convention this weekend, and my client won 2nd place Best Religious tattoo. That was pretty cool, and I guess now I can boost that I am an award-winning artist, lol! Ahh yes, silly emoticons and such. I can't remember what you call 'lol'...I surrrender...
Until next pointless and mindless post...
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Boogaloo sweet Boogaloo
Ahhh, some sweet things are happening lately.
I was beginning to lose hope on that 'future' thing, but I was handed the most perfect thing I have been given in a while...
Beth had mentioned her friend had an apartment for rent. For shits and giggles, I decided to get the info from her. It took a little convincing, but I finally called the owner. Come to find out, it's not an apartment, but an efficiency cabin on the creek. I didn't expect it to be very nice, but I checked it out and it is nothing short of perfect.
It's about a mile from the shop, back on a private drive (away from chicken trucks, tractor trailers, and people beeping and yelling), it's on the last piece of property right before the woods, and it rawks something hardcore. I have access to a floating dock, a canoe, a bench swing right on the water, picnic table, hammocks, enough land to have a small campsite, and best of all, my very own tiny-ass shed (for to keep mine mopeds, ja). The cabin has a front porch, full bath, utilities included, hardwood floors, and private parking. All the things I have wanted in a place to stay, but I could never seem to find. I think the best part is that it is so close to work that I could walk there, but back in the woods where it's quiet and private. I didn't even know such places existed around this area.
It is beautful, even for the winter. Everyone keeps telling me how intensely gorgeous it is going to be in the summer. I'm sooooo fuckin' happy it's on a creek, too. I LOOOOOVE living by the water, and I'm going to have sooo much fun once the weather warms up. I have nicknamed it "The Boogaloo."
Just a reminder that things come to you when you least expect them.
That's it for now. Until sometime later...out.
-a
I was beginning to lose hope on that 'future' thing, but I was handed the most perfect thing I have been given in a while...
Beth had mentioned her friend had an apartment for rent. For shits and giggles, I decided to get the info from her. It took a little convincing, but I finally called the owner. Come to find out, it's not an apartment, but an efficiency cabin on the creek. I didn't expect it to be very nice, but I checked it out and it is nothing short of perfect.
It's about a mile from the shop, back on a private drive (away from chicken trucks, tractor trailers, and people beeping and yelling), it's on the last piece of property right before the woods, and it rawks something hardcore. I have access to a floating dock, a canoe, a bench swing right on the water, picnic table, hammocks, enough land to have a small campsite, and best of all, my very own tiny-ass shed (for to keep mine mopeds, ja). The cabin has a front porch, full bath, utilities included, hardwood floors, and private parking. All the things I have wanted in a place to stay, but I could never seem to find. I think the best part is that it is so close to work that I could walk there, but back in the woods where it's quiet and private. I didn't even know such places existed around this area.
It is beautful, even for the winter. Everyone keeps telling me how intensely gorgeous it is going to be in the summer. I'm sooooo fuckin' happy it's on a creek, too. I LOOOOOVE living by the water, and I'm going to have sooo much fun once the weather warms up. I have nicknamed it "The Boogaloo."
Just a reminder that things come to you when you least expect them.
That's it for now. Until sometime later...out.
-a
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