The Yellowed-eyed Messenger

Here I am, taking a breather.
Whoa.

A lot of traveling going on. I'm digging it. I'm not sure what my path is, I'm just going with it until the survey is over. I guess I have no other decent alternative.

The persistence is remarkable, really. Floating about, here and there, waiting for the violets to appear. The fire and the light, reaching shadows cast onto ultramarine snowflakes. That was a good dream.
I saw a picture of a lion, etched into a black background. His eyes were wild yellow, but his expression left me feeling intrigued. He was to the right of a heart, staring intently toward the northeast. It was a moment of crepuscular clarity...Not quite dawn, not quite dusk; Not quite sure, not quite afraid. Mecca, sent by Ero? Maybe?
Don't think about it.

The call tempts me, but I cannot find that one spot there, the one where humanity melts away, and I am left in complete awe. I am hoping that it is because Winter's bare shell deceive my senses. I have neglected it for a while. I know it's still there, it never really leaves. It just becomes harder to come back to after all these years. I am confident...somewhat. I'm a little out of step with the rhythm as of right now. I don't know the severity of it, I just know I'm spinning away from the realm of common minds. It might be minor, like, this is what is supposed to happen...or it could be one of those things where you see yourself falling, but the hope of an eternal sky blinds the horizon that quickly approaches.

Earth. That's where I am now. All I can do is wait.

Eh, the lingering threat of indifference. I am learning that although some emotion is omitted, ignorance does not necessarily stem from this seed. I'm not sure what to do with the new-found wisdom...it doesn't seem like wisdom at all...but I suppose that might be part of what I'm supposed to be doing with it. Keep your head down, keep your nose to the grindstone, they would say.

Lastly, I'd like to take this time to mention how thankful I am that the mind forgets. I am calm, but feeling bland. This is a long entry. This is a long entry that probably makes absolutely no sense to anyone.

I'm going to go practice another language now.
Happy Spring.

Sleep is over-rated.

SoooOoOOooooo...
I had a nightmare for the first time in years last night. It was a rather weird thing. I forgot how vivid my dreams get in the right circumstances.
The odd part is that I cannot even begin to explain said nightmare. It was a clusterfuck of absolute absurdity.

I remember that it was about weird shit happening as I was about to fall asleep...yea, I was having a nightmare about having a nightmare...pretty ingenius, right?

One thing that was scary was that things kept trying to take me..I think. I remember a lot of asinine jibbajabba and abstract physics happenin' around me. For some reason, this combination was extra-terrifying. One thing that comes to mind was my body being lifted for no reason and doors becoming transparent as I walked up to them. There was a grasping of my torso, and a coldness that seemed to linger with it. I just kept feeling like I was possessed, which, for the record, I've had happen in the past during a dream...well, it felt like a possession to me. That time had a lot of significance tacked on to it, but this time...well, I just don't know.

I kept screaming in this nightmare. This is weird in itself because I hardly ever express fear in a raging, ear-piercing series of harsh vocalizations. Usually, the shock keeps me running for about 10 seconds, then the grasp of reality leaves me silently contemplating the relevance with stinging, weak legs and a heartbeat that would put a marathon runner to shame.

So um, I can't remember much else, other than it was really intense. I remember thinking at some point in my dream that I needed to wake up...at which time, I believe I opened my eyes and consciously evaluated my surroundings while still in dream mode. I saw my room, and the light that creeps in from the hallway. I saw how it bounced off the floor and walls, and the few boxes next to my bed. I saw those things, and did mentally reach for them, hoping to wake up. I was sooo close, but my dream pulled my back as if I was bound to it by an elastic band.
I tried multiple times to wake up, and although my eyes were opened and I was cognitively thinking, I could not escape from it. This ultimately led to more terror compounding to the already scary bits of my dream world.

Then I woke up. Ahh, the paralysis of dream shock. A moment of complete autonomic failure where you are strapped into whatever position you fell alseep in, complete with an ejaculated by-product of overstimulated microorganisms. My body was stinging, and my heart felt like it was on the verge of implosion. Yet, there I was, unable to do a goddamn thing about it. I looked at the clock, and realized I had only been asleep for an hour, at most.

Yep.
That was my evil dream sequence. I wish I could have gone into details about it, but yea...The end.

No. Yes. Maybe...

So, I felt like being bloggy again.
BloggGaBlOOGAbLOggABlog.

I also feel like listing random words I think are great...like banana...
...and cucumber.
and Mayonnaise.
'Bork' is a fun one I find myself saying a lot, too...thanks Thor.
Pineapple.
Most of these are foods. I'm not hungry. They are just fun to say.

This online journal thing is pretty funny, too. I'm sure most people who have these things write these crazy, long, intricate entries, get really into them, pour their heart and soul into it, smile, then push the /post/ button.
Yep. Just like that.
Then, the next day, they go check out their blogs, maybe to make another post, and look back on that previous entry. Then they think, "WTF is this crap!??!?!?!"
Yea...that happens all the time. I guess it's a persistent pursuit to be on top of the 'artistic' aspects of one's self. Fwhhhatevar.

There is no point to this post.

Just a ramble...
the end.

The Ol' Switcharooney?

So, I have a thought I'd like to share to the internet...
It appears that parallel universes exist...sort of.

Since this is somewhat of a personal journal-thing, I feel I must divulge what I think may be a recently discovered truth about myself. As for the relationship with the title, this self-discovery makes me feel like a reversal role.

I think I'm getting better at words, and stuff.

I know, that sounds rather silly, but as I remember from the past, I sometimes had hard times talking to people. I can remember talking to certain individuals, and getting this knot in my stomach, sweating my ass off, and after pretty long in-depth conversations, I walked away feeling like I had just watched the most mind-numbing movie ever. You know those types of conversations, you go in with every honest intent to dispose a truth, or find out what the other person is thinking, and you come out feeling like your mind is full of static and your stomach gets these pangs of complete failure.
You sit there and contemplate said conversation, and feel completely drained, like you just spent all day building a sand castle, and this big ol' wave from nowhere comes along and eats it.

I feel that in the past couple months, I have been better at getting to the point much faster, more efficient, without being as redundant (cause I am gooooooood at that! HA!) as I used to be. I think with my reborn lacksidaisical attitude toward most things, I no longer confuse myself with making sure I get every little detail that seemed important into the conversation. For the most part, I don't get as knotted-up when I discuss things with people, I don't debate with my beliefs as much, and in some regard, I think I actual break through to people...well, maybe not with as much impact as I'd really like, but I feel they may be picking up more than 10% of what I'm saying...you know what I'm sayin'?

So, in contemplation, I'd like to think that my chakras are little bit more in line (well, except for my solar plexus, but that will come in time). That's my educated guess. It comes and goes, some days I still feel like I'm speaking with a mouth full of cotton, some days I feel like I can't find the right words to make a coherent sentence, and some days I just worry about getting everything I need to say out, and that creates this torrent of non-structured speech that is indecipherable, redundant, and full of moot points.
*Note: 'moot' is a funny word.

I also think it helps that I've been able to keep my core energy from being sucked dry from my audience as I converse. There are people out there who have an uncanny ability to do this (whether intentionally or unintentionally). It lets me keep my energy for the more climactic and relevant points of my dialogue.

So yea, I just felt like being bloggy today. That pretty much concludes my rant. Stay tuned for more ridiculousness.

Back from the semi-dead.

So....uhhh,, hey, all. What's goin' on?

Ummm, well...where do I begin?
I guess I should explain that I have chosen to fall off the face of the Earth...which is kinda cool. Total hermit-tude is nice every now and again.

I just came back from San Francisco...that was effing rad. Seriously. The scenery was spectacular, the vibe was stereotypical laid-back California style, and I almost shed a tear when I looked back at the Gold Coast and it quickly sank behind the horizon. The weather was right up my alley, too. The major sucky thing about it was the price of living, and all of the bums. Like, seriously. Baltimore has its fair share, but in SF, you can't take more than 5 steps without someone asking for money. It's frustrating. I even had a verbal rumble with a drug-head in a Burger King. Apparently, she 'knew me' and we were once best friends until I messed around with her boyfriend at the time. She wouldn't leave me alone. I've never raised my voice to a complete stranger before that day. It was a new experience to say the least.

A while ago, I started weekly ACP treatment (which has evolved into monthly appointments). I'm definitely in a different groove, but I don't know if it's from that, my traveling lifestyle, or just aging. Not that it's a bad thing at all. In fact, I think with more clarity, feel with more rationality, and over-all, I've just sort of...I dunno, leveled out for the most part. The only drawback is that I feel direction-less and unconcerned. Well, looking at the sentence and saying it in my head, it isn't necessarily a draw-back at all.

What else can be mentioned...??
Meh. Nothing really important. I've neglected this thing long enough. I suppose that's how it's going to be from now on. I've been doing guest spots here and there since I left Flesh. It's been pretty cool. It's nice to set my own hours. I miss some of my co-workers, though. Not all of them, but most of them.

Anyways, that's a good hearty, wholesome blog, me thinks. Hopefully I'll have something worthwhile to say next time I post. Until then, Adieu!

Supersonic on the tips of bird wings.

I haven't forgotten about you.
I have forgotten what I wanted to say.

I have been to many places this past year. I have traveled more than I have in any other year. I am scheduled to travel even more.
Even when I am at home, I am always traveling. I catch the updrafts of the ridge, and follow the rain back down to the river.
I wonder, if I could travel back in time, would I want to? Oh, of course a part of me says, "Sure, I could change this or that." Then there is a larger part of me that says to leave well enough alone. Permanence has a more valuable lesson than erasing error.
I am traveling while I am waiting. Five years rings in my mind. Five more years. Five years could mean a great disappointment. Five years could be the ultimate light's soft presence. I doubt I will know when and where until it is time.

A robin has chosen to make her nest on the door, amidst a door wreath made of garden hose. Why she has chosen such an awkward spot, I haven't the foggiest. The poor thing scatters at any sight or sound of movement, but yet she has laid a total of three eggs in three days. I wonder why she stays, and what attracted her to begin with. Birds have a strange way of succeeding when there is nothing to claim of victory. For that, I am humbled.

Smoke and Mirrors

There and gone.